Be a Good Dinner Companion

About a year ago I had a dinner meeting with a woman who was interested in doing business together. She didn’t know Atlanta well, so she asked me to pick a restaurant and make the reservation. I chose a great little place that was centrally located, famed for its delicious cuisine, and elegant without being expensive or stuffy.

I was happy with my choice, but from the moment we sat down the woman could only complain about every little thing. The service was too slow. She didn’t like the table décor. The wine list wasn’t extensive enough, and there weren’t enough dishes to accommodate her gluten-free diet (which she hadn’t mentioned when she asked me to pick a place). I felt that everything had been lovely—besides the company. I knew right then and there that I didn’t want to work with someone who was so critical.

Complaining and whining and just generally being difficult can really affect how people see you. Who wants to dine with someone who is rude to the waitstaff or can’t take half a second to appreciate the moment? Even if the restaurant was truly terrible, it’s unproductive to complain about it the entire time. I’d rather deal with the issue and then move on with a shrug and a smile. I’m sure this woman’s aggressiveness had been an asset in her career, but it rubbed me the wrong way. I felt embarrassed at her behavior and anxious to call it a night.

The next time you’re dining out or socializing with others, wait a moment before voicing a complaint. Are you being petty? Are you just venting because you’ve had a bad day? Will whining actually make the situation better? Or should you shrug it off and try to be good company? I vote for the latter!

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Don’t Be a Bad Borrower

A friend of mine recently loaned her neighbor a suitcase for a trip she was taking. The neighbor returned from her vacation weeks ago, but has made no mention of returning the suitcase. Now my friend has a trip of her own coming up soon, and she needs the suitcase back. Funnily enough, she told me that she feels guilty asking for it back! I told her that her neighbor should feel guilty for not returning the suitcase in a timely manner, especially when all she has to do is wheel it over next door.

My friend says that since her neighbor’s return, she has dropped hints, asking about how the trip went. Still, the neighbor has never mentioned the suitcase. I told her that she should call the woman and politely mention her upcoming trip, and ask when she can come by to pick up the suitcase. Surely that has to get a result!

If someone lends you something—whether it’s a book, DVD, iPod, lawnmower, or casserole dish—you should return it as soon as you’re done with it. It’s a temporary loan, not a gift, and even if the person waves you away and acts relaxed about when they expect their item back, it’s your responsibility to return it in a timely manner.

Also, don’t borrow things without asking. I once worked with someone who borrowed my umbrella one rainy day without asking, then never bothered to bring it back or replace it. To me, that’s not borrowing—it’s stealing.

Finally, don’t borrow anything you aren’t prepared to replace if the unthinkable happens. If something gets ruined or breaks while it’s in your care, you should make amends by offering to replace it. I personally make it a rule to never borrow or lend out anything that I would consider irreplaceable because of its price or sentimental value, such as jewelry, treasured books that were given as gifts, or kitchenware that was passed on from my mother. They may be important to only me, but I would be crushed if anything bad happened to them.

It’s fine to borrow items on occasion, but don’t take advantage, and be prepared to return the favor.

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Taylor Swift’s Etiquette Faux Pas

I’m often weighing in on the importance of RSVPing promptly, and it appears that celebrities and “Hollywood royalty” aren’t entirely clued in to this etiquette practice.

Turns out singer Taylor Swift and her new boyfriend Conor Kennedy—yes, those Kennedys—ruffled some feathers when they showed up unexpectedly at the wedding of Conor’s cousin. Apparently Conor only notified his cousin that he would be showing up an hour before the ceremony started. The bride’s mother has publicly stated that she had to twice ask the party-crashing couple to leave, because she was afraid Swift would take all the attention away from her daughter. The young couple eventually left, but the etiquette faux pas has since been made public.

I think it’s tacky for the bride’s mother to have informed the media about what is a family matter, but nonetheless Taylor and Conor should have known better. This wasn’t a family barbeque or a house party where unexpected drop-ins are par for the course; this was a no-doubts extravagant affair that would have required guests to RSVP well in advance. Their sudden presence was inconvenient and no doubt put a lot of stress on the hosts.

Hopefully these two will learn from their mistakes; after all, they’re still quite young. But let this be a lesson—always RSVP in a timely manner!

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Why Yelling at Work is Pointless

Do you have a tendency to raise your voice or yell at work when something goes wrong? According to several studies, you’re really not helping matters. I just came across this fascinating article in the Wall Street Journal which explains why yelling is an ineffective tool, with research showing that it can impair employees’ ability to remember things and follow instructions. Admit it—it’s pretty hard to concentrate when your boss is screaming at you.

Interestingly, sending an angry email or silently fuming at a co-worker is also unproductive. The article mentions an instance in which an editor fired off an email berating a writer for not doing their job, only to find herself in the hot seat when the writer called to complain to the higher-ups; apparently they did not appreciate having forceful complaints in writing.  

So what’s the best way to resolve workplace conflicts while bringing civility back to the workplace? Experts suggest calmly verbalizing your complaint in short sentences that begin with “I.” Say, “I understand where you were coming from, but I don’t agree that the situation was handled properly.”

You should also wait 24 hours before responding, which will likely remove some of the sting. The article also suggests using a soft voice when raising a complaint, as it tends to encourage the other person to lower their volume. Instead of focusing on issuing blame, suggest solutions or ways mistakes can be avoided in the future.

And if you are the person being yelled at, try not to react. It will throw the screamer off guard and hopefully force them to retreat. Issue a calm response and don’t rise to the bait. The office is no place for screaming matches.  

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Don’t Double-Book Yourself

Several months ago a prospective client contacted me to set up an initial consultation. We agreed to meet over coffee in a nearby café. But when I showed up at the appointed time, I discovered that she had brought a couple of girlfriends along. She explained that she had double-booked herself and wondered if I’d mind if her friends joined us. If her friends were interested in the services my company offers, I wouldn’t have minded, but it was clearly a social visit and the three of them kept chatting about their personal lives. I felt like I was in the way and frankly, it was disappointing that she hadn’t prioritized our meeting, or called to reschedule our plans once she realized she had other plans. Needless to say, we didn’t end up working together.

I know a few people who are guilty of constantly making lots of plans without bothering to check their schedule. They say “yes” to everything, but then wind up disappointing others because they inevitably have to cancel at the last minute, or try to merge their plans somehow. It shows a lack of consideration—people’s time is valuable, and it’s hurtful and annoying when someone you’ve made plans with completely forgets about them or tries to cram you into their other engagements.

Next time you commit to something, check your calendar to make sure there’s no conflict. Input the date into your planner or iPhone and don’t be quick to squeeze in other appointments. Nobody likes a flake!

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Michael Phelps’ Great Olympics Sportsmanship

Have you been watching the Olympics coverage? I have to say, I’ve been glued to my TV screen. It’s so inspiring to see these talented athletes accomplish these super-human feats, especially after years of training, sacrifices, and absolute discipline. I love that passion! And for me, the Olympics are also a chance to see good sportsmanship in action.

Take Michael Phelps for instance. He’s now the most decorated Olympian in history, and he really proved himself in his final Games appearance. But what really impressed me was his reaction to coming second in the 200-meter butterfly. The gold medalist, South Africa’s Chad Le Clos, was visibly emotional and nervous after just narrowly beating his hero Phelps. It must have been a disappointing loss for Phelps—winning would have made him the first male swimmer to win an Olympic swimming event three times in a row—but he was completely gracious, embracing his rival, posing for photos, and kindly steering him towards the media outlets for the post-match interviews. Phelps even later took to Twitter to praise Le Clos for his “amazing swim.” What a nice example of sportsmanship!

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Joseph or Joe? Getting Names Right

A friend of mine is married to a man called Joseph. When I first met him, he introduced himself as Joseph and it’s never occurred to me to call him anything else. However, over dinner the other day, he shared with us that people often take the liberty of shortening his name to Joe or Joey, which drives him crazy. His own wife calls him Joseph, and he finds it presumptuous when near-strangers decide to give him a nickname that he doesn’t use or care for.  

Long names can be tricky. Is William actually William, or does he go by Bill or Will? What about Richard, Robert, or Elizabeth? My own name is Margaret, but I prefer to use by the shorter version, Peggy. To avoid confusion I only use Peggy in my business correspondence, and nobody ever thinks to call me Margaret.

The standard rule of thumb is to use the name which the person used to identify himself. If you’re exchanging emails, look at the bottom to see how the person signed off. If Elizabeth wrote “Best, Liz,” use Liz. If not, stick to Elizabeth.

Using nicknames implies an intimacy that may not be appropriate for business relationships. It can also be irritating. If someone I didn’t know well started calling me Peg, I would be annoyed and feel compelled to correct them. I wouldn’t take the liberty of changing someone else’s name, so why should they change mine?

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The Etiquette of Traveling With Kids

A friend of mine just returned from a European holiday with this story: Their hotel was a small and charming one tucked away in the countryside. There were only 50 or so guests, including an affluent American family with two young daughters who were about six and seven years old. My friend saw the girls everywhere—at breakfast, in the lobby, in the courtyard—but could never quite figure out who their parents were. One day she saw the little girls at the pool, where they were telling some other guests that their parents had decided to take a nap but had agreed to let them go to the pool unattended because other guests were in the area. Another guest came by and asked the girls, who by this time were in the pool by themselves, where their parents were. When they responded “in the room,” the woman then asked, “Who is babysitting you?” The other guests laughed because they were all thinking the same thing—the parents had just assumed that everyone else would keep an eye on their children for them.

On my friend’s final day at the hotel, she went down to breakfast and again saw the girls by themselves, as their parents had decided to sleep in. Soon the girls started goofing off and “playfully” threw things at a couple they had befriended during their stay, forcing the husband to repeatedly ask them to stop. Finally, another guest stormed off to reception and demanded that the parents be called on to take control of their kids.

My friend and the guests she spoke to were all appalled at the parents’ behavior. She couldn’t help but feel sorry for the girls, who had been abandoned by their folks in favor of, it seems, a few extra hours of sleep. Not only is that dangerous, but it put a greater burden on the hotel staff and the other guests, who wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet without having to feel like an unpaid babysitter.

If you are traveling with children, keep a careful eye on them and don’t assume that other people want to give up their precious vacation time for your sake. It’s understandable to want a moment of personal time without the kids, but it’s better to swap “shifts” with your spouse, arrange for childcare through your hotel, or look into day camps or classes that your children can enjoy.

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Happy Independence Day!

Is it a coincidence? The three countries in which I have lived—France, Venezuela, and the United States—all celebrate national events in July. France celebrates Bastille Day on July 14, while the U.S. and Venezuela both recognize their independence this month. I know my Canadian friends also celebrate in July, as do Colombia, Argentina, Peru, Belgium, and several other countries. Perhaps the hot weather inspires lots of revolutions?

When I was little and lived in the south of France, my older cousin would always get dressed up and go to a “bal du 14 juillet”(14^th of July Ball).  All of the cities and towns had a special ball. I remember people dancing in the streets until the wee hours and then watching the fireworks. I will always remember July 14^th, Bastille Day, as a giant dance party!

Venezuela celebrates its independence from Spain on July 5^th with parades and lots of food and music. When I moved to the U.S., however, I discovered hot dogs, cookouts, firecrackers, and relaxed afternoons with friends and was instantly smitten. I can’t wait to spend the day with loved ones and pay tribute to this wonderful country!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

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Using Foul Language in Public

The other day I was enjoying a lovely meal with my husband at an outdoor café. Unfortunately, we were seated next to a table of college-aged friends and couldn’t help but overhear their loud conversation, which was very crude and littered with four-letter words. Funnily enough, the group looked nicely dressed, as though they’d just come from church or a semi-formal event, which made their vulgar language all the more shocking. Several times our own conversation was interrupted by their crass comments, and I noticed that another nearby table was occupied by a family with two young children. Every time someone in the group loudly burst out with an expletive, the parents winced and shot an angry look. In hindsight, I wish that I had gotten a manager to intervene or asked the group to kindly keep it down. Maybe then their chatter wouldn’t have ruined everyone else’s dining experience!

It’s rare these days to find someone who doesn’t use curse words, but I find it highly impolite to resort to foul language when you are out in public, especially when small children are nearby. You wouldn’t swear in a conversation with your boss or elderly relative, so why can’t you bite your tongue and have that same consideration when you’re sharing public space with those who probably have no interest in your foul-mouthed comments? Swearing so profusely only makes you seem classless and rude.

I once had a lunch date with an old acquaintance whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. For some reason he couldn’t resist peppering every sentence with an expletive, and I couldn’t help but notice that our fellow diners were making disapproving looks. I felt so embarrassed. Finally, I had to politely suggest that we tone down our language because we were drawing attention to ourselves. Thankfully, he understood, and we were able to continue our conversation in a classy manner.

Swearing may be commonplace, but it comes off as disrespectful, especially in the presence of children. To protect your image and practice good civility, think before you speak!

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