Civility and “Bad” Gifts

We’ve all received the mall equivalent of coal in our stockings. Tacky knickknacks, music or books that don’t interest us at all, clothing that’s a size too big or completely unflattering… the list goes on and on. But feelings can get hurt when someone doesn’t show appreciation for a gift, or blatantly regifts it. For example, a friend of mine was visiting her aunt and spied a familiar-looking handbag in her home. Turns out she had given the handbag to her mother the previous Christmas. She in turn had passed it on when her sister complimented the bag. The aunt had no idea and felt really embarrassed when my friend caught her out. My friend was able to laugh it off, but felt bad that her mother hadn’t liked the gift.

So how can you handle a gift that’s not exactly your cup of tea? Read on for some pointers.

-Always express appreciation for the gift, no matter how big or small. A leopard-print Snuggie may not have been on your wish list to Santa, but it’s rude to not at least thank the person who gifted you one. You don’t have to act like it’s the best present in the world, but you can at least play it off by smiling or laughing and saying ‘That’s amazing.” It won’t kill you to show some gratitude. And who knows—it may even come in handy! If nothing else, it will make a good story.

-Don’t criticize a gift. “I already have this.” “There’s no way this will fit me.” “It’s not really my style.” “Can I take it back?” Nobody wants to hear this from a gift recipient. If they press you to try an item of clothing on and it clearly doesn’t fit, be honest but kindly suggest you exchange it for another size. You can always tell them later that the store didn’t have the exact style in your size but that you found something similar (even if it’s not actually that similar). P.S. I tend to tuck gift receipts inside the package when I give clothing items. This way the person can discretely return or exchange the item on their own accord.

-Always send thank you cards within the week. If you haven’t had a chance to thank the gift-giver in person, be sure to send a thank you card right away. Parents should also encourage their children to write thank you notes to acknowledge their gifts—it’s a great habit to pass on!

-Regift wisely. My friend’s mother in the earlier example made a big mistake—she regifted her present to someone within the family. It was only a matter of time before she got busted. If you’re going to regift, move on to a different social circle. Another idea is to donate the unwanted items—provided they’re in good condition—to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Avoid regifting rare or unwanted items, which could in theory be tracked down to you. Another idea is to just be honest. If I were my friend’s mother, I would have said, “I love the purse you gave me but Aunt Mary wondered if she could borrow it for a while because she needs a new bag for work. Do you mind?”

 -Don’t be sensitive. If someone isn’t as enthusiastic about the gift you gave them as you had expected, shrug it off. It’s not easy to find the right present, but you did your best. If someone is constantly being picky or dismissive, in the future say, “I’m not sure I’ve hit the mark with your past presents. Is there anything in particular you’d like?” This way you save yourself some trouble while getting the point across that their lack of gratitude hasn’t gone unnoticed. And if all else fails, stick with a gift card. If someone hasn’t even bothered to thank you for their gift, wait a week and then contact them to confirm that it was received. I once sent a couple I knew some lovely wine glasses for their wedding. When they failed to thank me, I bristled. It was some time later that I realized they had been lost in the mail. Thank goodness I hadn’t complained to the newlyweds!

Have a wonderful New Year!

Office Etiquette During the Holidays

Last week the Wall Street Journal posted a fantastic article on holiday etiquette for office workers. While Christmas is just a few days away, it’s important to remember that you can’t just drop work completely. Some things can’t wait until the New Year, and if you’re on the clock it’s bad form to turn up late and spend the work day filling out holiday cards instead of tackling your in box. Below are a few reminders mentioned in the article, along with a few of my own.

-Observe your boss’s vacation. If the big fish has “gone fishin’,” allow him or her to relax instead of running to them with minor questions. If there is a critical situation going on, you should reach out, but otherwise use your best judgment or consult the person who is second in command. Also, don’t wait until your boss is halfway out the door to bring up important work issues. If you need direction or have an announcement, alert them as soon as you can and ahead of their vacation.

If you happen to be in charge, respect your employees’ vacation time and don’t barrage them with work emails and calls during their absence.

-Show up on time. I’ve heard so many friends brag that since their boss has left on vacation, they’ve been crawling into work at noon and spending the day online shopping and checking Facebook. Trust me, the boss has eyes and ears out there and this kind of slacking off doesn’t go unnoticed. Even if work is slow, use the time to be productive, even if that means reorganizing your desk or brainstorming new ideas for the next quarter. You can also use the time to network, learn more about your industry, or help out a colleague.

-Give people notice of your vacation. There’s nothing more annoying than working on an important project with someone and then suddenly getting their vacation auto-responder when you email them. Taking leave is understandable, but have the courtesy to alert your contacts on any pending projects that you will be out of the office. At least two or three days is recommended. I like to touch base with my clients before the holidays just to make sure that there is nothing they need before I go away.

Have a wonderful holiday, everyone!

Office Gift-Giving Tips

Are you planning to give your client or colleagues a gift this holiday? Proceed with caution. Giving gifts to people to whom you aren’t particularly close can be a potential minefield. Case in point: A man I know once “played it safe” and gave his office Secret Santa a nice bottle of wine—only to find out the woman didn’t drink because of her religion. And a diabetic woman I know struggles when people unwittingly give her boxes of chocolate or other sweet, sugary treats on the holidays.

To avoid making a faux pas, stick to these civility-minded gift-giving pointers:

-Opt for neutral holiday cards. Remember that not everyone celebrates Christmas. If you want to send cards, select something with a secular, generic message such as “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings.”

-Avoid alcohol or sweets unless you are certain they will be well-received. A bottle of Rioja or a nice whiskey is a nice gift if, say, you’re certain that the recipient will enjoy it (perhaps they belong to a wine club, or always order a Scotch on the rocks at happy hour), but if there’s any chance that they don’t drink, find something else. Likewise with sweets. While most people won’t turn up their nose at some Godiva, you’d hate to hand them off to someone suffering from diabetes, or trying to lose weight. It’s best to only go the “foodie gift” route if the recipient has specifically expressed a love for that particular food.

-Steer clear of gag gifts, or political or religious items. Don’t risk offending someone with a gift that has political or religious connotations, such as George W. Bush’s new biography or an angel ornament. It could rub someone the wrong way. Gifts of a joke or X-rated nature are also inappropriate. Most are tasteless and not exactly useful. Finally, avoid anything that is too intimate, such as lingerie, clothing, or cosmetics. A scented hand cream is harmless enough, but for the most part this kind of personal gift suggests an intimacy that isn’t appropriate for most business relationships.

-Think office. I personally love getting fun, office-appropriate gifts, such as a beautiful art calendar, a nicely designed paperweight, or great pens. They’re useful, liven up my work space, and are suitable for a working relationship. Etsy.com is a terrific resource for finding unique office-related gifts—from monogrammed business card holders to pencils embossed with clever sayings. Gift certificates to a bookstore are also handy.

-Avoid corporate tat. Marketing is great and all, but be honest—does anyone really want to receive a polo shirt embossed with your company’s logo? I’ve received lots of lovely gifts that were marred by logos, such as a beautiful silver frame with the company’s name scrawled across it. I’ve never used it, and I can’t help feeling like it was such a waste of money. Trust me—a lovely gift will make people remember you, logo or not!

-Observe gift policies. Most Secret Santas have a fixed spending limit, so stick to that. Also, bear in mind that many large corporations don’t allow employees to receive gifts valued over a certain amount. Sending a fancy gift may make things awkward—or even get someone in trouble.

Canceling Plans in a Civil Way

Sooner or later we all have to cancel our plans, whether we want to or not. Emergencies happen. You get tied up at work, come down with a terrible cold, or find yourself battling icy roads. That’s all understandable. But if you are known as a chronic “flake”—or someone who constantly cancels plans at the last minute—there is a problem. Not only does it make you seem unreliable, it makes you seem uncivil as well.

To avoid ruffling people’s feathers, follow these rules of civility:

-Don’t spread yourself too thin. Tom’s party is at 8, but you’ve told Lisa you’d meet her for cocktails at 7. Can you do both? It’s tricky. I’ve found that by trying to please everyone and running around all over time, I wind up pleasing no one. Not only am I exhausted and stressed, I don’t get to spend quality time with my friends and as a result they feel shortchanged. If you’ve already committed to one event and don’t have time for anything else, politely decline.

-RSVP as soon as you can. If you leave an invite hanging, the host will assume that you’re merely waiting for a better offer. Instead, consult your personal calendar, confirm that there are no conflicts, and accept or decline as you see fit.

-Find better excuses. What are your grounds for canceling on someone? Are you genuinely ill, or just a bit tired? Are you totally stranded, or could you easily get a lift? Is there an actual emergency, or are you just being lazy? When people are counting on you to attend you at least owe it to them to show up if no other reasonable alternative exists.

-Call as soon as you know you’re not going to make it. I’ve had people RSVP to an event, then never show up or even call. How rude! If you find out on Friday that your boss has scheduled a meeting for Monday evening, let the friend you were going to meet that night know right away. This way he or she can make alternate plans. And notice that I said “call”—don’t just text or email.

-Make it up to them. If you have to flake out on, say, a coffee date with a friend, suggest an alternate date. Don’t expect your friend to change their existing plans for you.

-Don’t make it a habit. Have you canceled on someone more than once? You’re not exactly doing your image any favors. Plan ahead so that you have a Plan B if something (weather, babysitter, etc.) should threaten your plans.