Taylor Swift’s Etiquette Faux Pas

I’m often weighing in on the importance of RSVPing promptly, and it appears that celebrities and “Hollywood royalty” aren’t entirely clued in to this etiquette practice.

Turns out singer Taylor Swift and her new boyfriend Conor Kennedy—yes, those Kennedys—ruffled some feathers when they showed up unexpectedly at the wedding of Conor’s cousin. Apparently Conor only notified his cousin that he would be showing up an hour before the ceremony started. The bride’s mother has publicly stated that she had to twice ask the party-crashing couple to leave, because she was afraid Swift would take all the attention away from her daughter. The young couple eventually left, but the etiquette faux pas has since been made public.

I think it’s tacky for the bride’s mother to have informed the media about what is a family matter, but nonetheless Taylor and Conor should have known better. This wasn’t a family barbeque or a house party where unexpected drop-ins are par for the course; this was a no-doubts extravagant affair that would have required guests to RSVP well in advance. Their sudden presence was inconvenient and no doubt put a lot of stress on the hosts.

Hopefully these two will learn from their mistakes; after all, they’re still quite young. But let this be a lesson—always RSVP in a timely manner!

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Always RSVP to Your Host

When you are hosting an event or throwing a dinner party it can be a bit of a nuisance to track down RSVPs. For me, RSVPing to a personal invite quickly is one of the most basic tenets of etiquette and civility. It’s impolite to keep people waiting and makes them feel like you are holding out for a better offer. On the flip side, failing to RSVP and showing up anyway almost always throws the host into chaos and is very inconsiderate.

A woman I know was just telling me about a small dinner party she was throwing for her old school friends. Despite verbally agreeing to come when the dinner was first mentioned months ago, one woman failed to respond to the actual invite. My friend decided to follow up and left a couple of messages for the woman over a two-week period. Still, no response. Instead, the guest finally wrote to another guest/mutual friend and said to tell the host that she couldn’t make it.

Can you believe it? Not only did she waste my friend’s time by failing to respond, she didn’t even bother to tell her directly that she couldn’t come. I’d definitely scratch her off any future guest lists.

If you are invited to an event, always, always, always respond to the person who invited you, no matter your answer. Don’t make a mutual friend do your dirty work. People will forgive you having to miss out on a party. They may not forgive you for being so rude as to bypass them entirely!

Canceling Plans in a Civil Way

Sooner or later we all have to cancel our plans, whether we want to or not. Emergencies happen. You get tied up at work, come down with a terrible cold, or find yourself battling icy roads. That’s all understandable. But if you are known as a chronic “flake”—or someone who constantly cancels plans at the last minute—there is a problem. Not only does it make you seem unreliable, it makes you seem uncivil as well.

To avoid ruffling people’s feathers, follow these rules of civility:

-Don’t spread yourself too thin. Tom’s party is at 8, but you’ve told Lisa you’d meet her for cocktails at 7. Can you do both? It’s tricky. I’ve found that by trying to please everyone and running around all over time, I wind up pleasing no one. Not only am I exhausted and stressed, I don’t get to spend quality time with my friends and as a result they feel shortchanged. If you’ve already committed to one event and don’t have time for anything else, politely decline.

-RSVP as soon as you can. If you leave an invite hanging, the host will assume that you’re merely waiting for a better offer. Instead, consult your personal calendar, confirm that there are no conflicts, and accept or decline as you see fit.

-Find better excuses. What are your grounds for canceling on someone? Are you genuinely ill, or just a bit tired? Are you totally stranded, or could you easily get a lift? Is there an actual emergency, or are you just being lazy? When people are counting on you to attend you at least owe it to them to show up if no other reasonable alternative exists.

-Call as soon as you know you’re not going to make it. I’ve had people RSVP to an event, then never show up or even call. How rude! If you find out on Friday that your boss has scheduled a meeting for Monday evening, let the friend you were going to meet that night know right away. This way he or she can make alternate plans. And notice that I said “call”—don’t just text or email.

-Make it up to them. If you have to flake out on, say, a coffee date with a friend, suggest an alternate date. Don’t expect your friend to change their existing plans for you.

-Don’t make it a habit. Have you canceled on someone more than once? You’re not exactly doing your image any favors. Plan ahead so that you have a Plan B if something (weather, babysitter, etc.) should threaten your plans.