Thinking Twice Before Asking Favors

We all at one time or another need a little help. Sometimes we need a lot of help. And when those moments come, it’s nice to know that we have a supportive network of friends and family members who can give us a hand if we need it.

But then there are those times when we convince ourselves that we need help and rely on favors from others. Our car won’t start—could you give us a ride? I left my glasses at the office—do you mind dropping them off? I’m running late—can I cut in line? Can I borrow this—again? I’ve got to leave work early—can you cover for me? Sure, once in a while those requests can be easily met. But have you noticed that some people lack all self-reliance and continue to ask these favors over and over again? Rather than finding another way, they take advantage of people, and when those people finally say no, they blame them for being unkind and selfish.

For example, if your car is in the shop and nobody can give you a ride—or you’ve exhausted all of your “favor credit”—wouldn’t it make sense to rent a car or take public transportation? If you constantly need to borrow, say, your co-worker’s stapler or your neighbor’s lawnmower, isn’t it time you bought one of your own? So many of us fail to think twice before we ask favors of people. Everything is an emergency; everything becomes someone else’s problems, rather than something we get through on our own.

One thing I’ve noticed on Facebook and Twitter is a trend of people—who are presumably online and able to use Google—asking common, easily searchable questions, such as: “Does anyone know what the weather is going to be like on Sunday?” or “What time does the Eagles game start?” Now, it’s one thing to ask for advice, but to be so lazy as to depend on others to feed you basic information that you could have easily found yourself shows a lack of civility! There is even a phrase, “Let me Google that for you,” which has been created as a response to this annoying behavior.

If I sound like I’m encouraging people to never do or ask favors, I’m not. If someone asks you a favor and you’re in a position to help, you should. But all of us who find ourselves in a bind should consider carefully if it is worth putting someone out, or are we just asking out of laziness and neediness? Have we exhausted this person’s good will? You should also be quick to repay favors, and thank people appropriately. Don’t take them for granted!

Avoid Asking Personal Questions

Ah, Facebook. Thanks to the wonders of technology, you are now privy to the fact that your dentist had a sexy date night with her husband, a high school classmate whom you haven’t seen in 20 years is having hot flashes, and your cousin’s niece’s sister-in-law is battling poopy diapers.

But while oversharing may be the norm for most people these days, it’s best to avoid slipping into an overfamiliar state when meeting new people. Civility expert Dr. P.M. Forni lists “avoiding personal questions” as one of his 25 “rules of considerate conduct” and it’s a rule that still stands despite our overexposed culture.

When meeting a client or important work colleague, stick to the matter at hand. If a bigwig client mentions that he or she has a flight to catch, don’t automatically assume that you can ask about travel plans. Yes, many people love to talk about themselves, but if you only have a formal, business relationship with someone, it’s best to wait for them to volunteer information rather than pry. Some people—especially important businesspeople who may want to keep their business travel private—can get testy or suspicious.

If you’re at a business networking event or chatting with colleagues, it’s fine to introduce a non-invasive question, such as weekend plans, or how they got started in the business. Not everyone wants to talk shop all day. Just keep it natural, and pay attention to how the person responds. If their answers are brief and they don’t ask any questions in turn, change the subject or excuse yourself to get a drink.

Also, avoid questions that may embarrass the other person. I’ve had near-strangers ask me my age in front of a group of people, which was very uncomfortable. Questions about someone’s love life are also awkward. Another tip—avoid asking questions of a more personal nature when other people are around. A friend may not mind being open with you, but he or she probably doesn’t want an audience getting all the details. If you’re unsure, stick to safe topics like travel, hobbies, films, or sports.

Paying Attention

“Pay attention” is the first rule on Dr. P.M. Forni’s “rules of considerate conduct,” and for good reason. When people are distracted or trapped in their own thoughts, they lack the awareness that civility requires. While some people are just intentionally rude, many acts of unkindness are done by those who were simply blind to their actions or the people around them.

For instance, because you weren’t paying attention you may walk to the nearest bank teller, inadvertently cutting in front of a line of people. Or you may fail to see an elderly woman struggling to open a heavy door. A lack of focus also makes it difficult to notice social cues or detect others’ emotions.

I personally feel that our technology-obsessed culture has escalated this problem. Walk down a city street and you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone who isn’t chatting away on a cell phone, playing with their iPhone, or tuning everything out by listening to headphones. When we drive, we’re not focused on the road; we’re doing our makeup, listening to the radio, or making phone calls.We’re trapped in a little bubble and lose track of the human interactions surrounding us.

Facebook and Twitter have also created this “me, me, me” phenomenon in which everyone seems to be becoming more self-obsessed. The most banal activities—eating pasta for dinner, watching “Dancing with the Stars”—suddenly become “interesting” headlines as we constantly update our statuses. And with all that time spent focused on ourselves, who has any energy left to spare for other people?

It’s easy to get lost in a moment, but when we are in public settings it’s best to be vigilant and focused. Try spending a full day without hiding in a newspaper, listening to headphones, or making phone call after phone call. You’ll be amazed at what you notice!

Stand Up for Civility

The other day a friend of mine was riding a city bus that was packed to the gills. As she clung on to a bar and held on for dear life, she couldn’t help but notice that most of the “priority” seats reserved for the elderly or infirm were being taken by young, seemingly healthy folks. One young man even had his feet up on the seat opposite while he chatted on his mobile phone. Meanwhile, an old man was left to stand.

When a few people got off at the next stop, one of the priority seats freed up. But rather than sit down or offer it to someone more needy, another passenger moved to block the seat. Even if he was physically capable of standing, he should have realized that by blocking the seat he was creating more uncomfortable clutter in the aisles and making the ride more miserable for everyone else.

This is just a small everyday example of the lack of civility in our lives. People either lack basic common sense or are too busy looking out for themselves to show a little compassion for their fellow man. The next time you are in a crowded public space with limited seating—say, a waiting room, airport lounge, bus, or restaurant waiting area—look around to see if there is anyone else who could use your seat, such as an elderly person, someone on crutches, a parent with small children, or a pregnant woman. (Hint: Don’t just offer your seat to any woman with some belly fat—this has happened to a non-pregnant friend of mine twice and she’s been very offended! If you’re not sure, you can simply stand up so that the seat is free for her to take it if she likes.)

Small gestures like this really make our day-to-day routines much more pleasant. Imagine—you can brighten someone’s day simply by standing up!