Holiday Shopping & Civility

A friend of mine had her first Black Friday shopping experience last week. While the deals were great, she was astonished to see some shoppers running their carts into each other, muttering under their breath if someone was too slow, and fighting over who got their hands on the last “doorbuster” deal. Afterwards she felt drained and frustrated—not a great way to celebrate the holidays, huh?

We can sometimes fall into a mob mentality when we’re doing our holiday shopping. We don’t see others as human beings—just obstacles keeping us from that discounted plasma-screen TV. We treat store employees like our personal butlers and lose our patience when we don’t get our way. We fight over parking spaces and 50%-off sweaters. And rather than taking our time to find thoughtful gifts for our loved ones, we treat the whole experience like a sprint that only makes us more exhausted and stressed out. Is that really what the holidays are about?

To be more civil when you’re doing your holiday shopping this year, follow these tips:

-Go online when you can. Today is Cyber Monday, which means you can get fabulous savings without the drama of hitting the mall. Personally, I like to shop online because I’m less likely to be distracted by other products. Sure, that DVD player may have been a steal at Target, but it’s not such a great deal when you factor in the slippers, magazines, grooming products, and other last-minute items that made their way into your cart.

-Shop with a pal. Split the stress by car pooling to the big stores and taking turns manning the cart. That will leave one of you to roam the aisles freely; bring cell phones to keep track of one another. And while your friend is finalizing her purchases, you can run out to get the car and pick up her and your big shopping haul.

-Be aware of your surroundings. Keep the flow of shopping traffic moving swiftly by avoiding the following actions: taking ages to load your car while hogging a much-desired parking space; blocking a parking space by leaving your shopping cart out instead of putting it back where it belongs; blocking an aisle as a line forms behind you; or waiting until you hear your total before fishing your wallet out of your purse.

-Exercise patience. When you’re stressed, the slightest inconvenience can send you reeling. But don’t let it. If you feel irritated, take a deep breath and calm yourself down. Getting angry or flashing a dirty look can only escalate the situation.

-Be friendly! Don’t be so busy that you can’t hold a door open for someone, say thank you, or smile politely and acknowledge the salespeople who approach you, even if you’re not interested in what they’re offering. It’s better to smile and say “no, thank you” than ignoring them completely.

Respecting Other People’s Time

The other day I had an appointment to meet someone late in the afternoon. In order to meet them, I would have to cut short an outing with some friends. Traffic was heavy and, worried that I would be late, I alerted the other person to let them know that I was on the way. I needn’t have worried, as it turned out. She didn’t show up until well over an hour after the intended time (leaving me to cool my heels the entire time) and then professed ignorance over the fact that we were meeting at that time, even though she had responded to my message about being on my way. It was very irritating. I could have spent more time with my friends rather than rushing off. Also, I didn’t appreciate her lack of apology and felt she was trying to make me seem like the wrong one because I had stupidly turned up on time. It was very unprofessional.

Perhaps that’s why respecting other people’s time is such an important part of civility. You can pay someone back their money but you can never repay time, which is why nobody likes to have it wasted. It shows carelessness, selfishness, and a lack of respect… not exactly a great image boost, is it? Follow these tips to help you practice good time etiquette:

-Conduct transactions as efficiently as possible. Whether you’re at the bank, grocery store, gym, or post office, you should make an effort to get in and out in a reasonable amount of time. It drives me nuts when I’m waiting in an endless line at the grocery store and the person in front of me is chatting away distractedly on the cell phone while the cashier fights to get his attention, or decides to rifle through her purse because she doesn’t even have her money ready. Be friendly, be prepared, be focused, and be ready to move on.

-Stick to your meeting times. Was that conference call at noon, or one? You had better make sure. Also consider whether differing time zones might be a factor. I once set up a phone interview and the guy was an hour late—because he lived in a different time zone. Always give yourself plenty of time to get to your destination, ensuring that you have gasoline and clear directions beforehand. It’s better to get there a little early and have to sit in your car for a few minutes than show, realize there’s nowhere to park, and wind up 10 minutes late because you didn’t budget enough time.

-Inform people as soon as possible if you are running late. Oftentimes things happen that are beyond our control. Babysitters cancel, we get held up at work, traffic backs up… what can you do? Well, the least thing you should do is alert the person you are meeting as soon as you can. Give them the option to reschedule if that’s more convenient for them. And apologize sincerely. Even if it’s not your fault that it’s bumper-to-bumper, you should at least sound remorseful for the delay. After all, couldn’t you have left a bit earlier to avoid rush hour?

-Don’t waste people’s time. If you know you’re absolutely not interested in say, a job candidate or a salesperson pitching a service you don’t want, why schedule the meeting? If you’re on the fence, go ahead—you might change your mind. But I’ve heard enough tales of people showing up for interviews (having spent days preparing) only to be told the position has already been filled, or that they didn’t have the suitable skills—which a quick glance at their resume would have told HR. It’s so demoralizing, and a huge waste of time.

Mind Your Body: How Poor Grooming Affects Civility

Yet another of Dr. P.M. Forni’s rules of civility is “mind your body.” This isn’t a call to hit the gym or throw on a leotard. Rather, it’s a reminder to maintain proper grooming so that people are drawn, and not repelled, to our appearance.

We’ve all encountered people with foul breath, dandruff, and bad body odor. And we all know how unpleasant it is. Imagine that you are meeting with a new accountant or lawyer, someone who is desperate to win your business. Even if they are wearing a $2,000 suit, if they look sloppy or have poor grooming habits, you will most likely try to get out of the meeting as soon as you can. You may overlook their qualifications and opt for someone else who doesn’t offend you with their lack of grooming.

For example, a friend of mine once hired a photographer to take shots of her family. The photos turned out nice, but the photographer’s breath stank of onions and it was such a turnoff that they never used him again. Another friend of mine once worked in a restaurant in which two waiters had to be sent home because diners had complained of their strong body odor. It completely put them off their meals!

Appearance may seem like a superficial aspect of our lives, but when your poor grooming infringes on others—e.g., stinking up their environment—it becomes an issue. The same is true of people who douse themselves in heavy fragrance every day. That Chanel No. 5 may smell lovely to you, but if it’s making everyone in the elevator’s eyes water, it’s too much.

Basically, it’s all about being mindful and considerate. You may be fine with your own “natural aroma,” but that doesn’t mean you should subject other people to it. And by maintaining a fresh, well-groomed, and polished appearance, you’ll be cultivating an image that is professional and approachable. That can only help your business!

How to Be a Good Guest

Last week we discussed how to show civility when you are playing host. But what if you are a visitor in someone else’s home? As we head out for Thanksgiving get-togethers and upcoming holiday parties, it’s important to be courteous, civil, and appreciative… how else will you get invited back?

Here are a few simple rules for exhibiting great guest behavior:

RSVP as soon as possible. Don’t let an invitation go unanswered, and don’t just turn up without RSVPing first. And don’t bring guests unless the invite specifically states that they are welcome.

Don’t arrive too early or too late. Aim to get there no earlier than the official start time, and no more than 10-15 minutes later.

Don’t show up empty-handed. Ask your host if you can bring a dish or bottle of wine for the meal. Even if they say they’re fine, it’s nice to bring a bottle or perhaps some nice chocolates (which can be enjoyed later) just as a token of your appreciation.

Offer compliments. Try to shower a little praise on the host’s home, or the meal. And always thank them for having you over.

Offer to pitch in. If your host is still slaving away in the kitchen, ask if you can give them a hand. Even if they just want you to answer the door or pour the wine, they’ll appreciate the help.

Don’t snoop. Being invited into someone’s home isn’t the same as being invited to rifle through their closets and medicine cabinets.

Clean up after yourself. If you spill, clean up the mess (and apologize!). Offer to help with the dishes too.

Play nice with the other guests, but don’t dominate the conversation. It’s a party—mingle! It’s no fun when people stick in small little cliques, so make a point to introduce yourself warmly to the other guests and don’t spend the entire evening huddled in a corner. When dinner is served, wait for someone to finish chewing before asking them a question about themselves. If you notice that everyone’s plate is clean while yours has barely been touched, you’re probably talking too much! Finally, keep the conversation light and avoid potentially offensive subjects such as politics.

Don’t overdo it on the booze. Assuming you are not the designated driver, limit yourself to two to three drinks with dinner. If you’re not sure if food will be served at a cocktail party, eat something beforehand so the alcohol won’t go to your head. Try to alternate each cocktail with a sparkling water. And if you start to feel sick, make your excuses before it’s too late! It’s hard to live down getting sick in someone’s home.

Don’t overstay your welcome. Once dessert and after-dinner drinks have been served, you should focus on making your exit. It’s likely that your hosts are looking forward to relaxing after a long day of entertaining.

Civility Tips for Being a Gracious Host

With Thanksgiving around the corner, now seems like a good time to discuss practicing civility in the home when we entertain guests. Some people are of the mind that just offering their home up for a party or meal makes them a good host. But I have attended enough awkward get-togethers to know that is not the case. Being a good host means being charming, gracious, thoughtful, and putting your guests at ease. (As for being a good guest, we’ll cover that next week!)

Think about bad parties you’ve been to. Perhaps the host did not offer you a drink, or failed to make introductions, or made you feel like you were an intruder. I once read a blog which posted a woman’s Thanksgiving dinner commands to her guests (many of whom were family members). She told each person exactly what to bring, how to present it, and what utensils to accompany it, plus what dishes or brands they should absolutely not make. What a nightmare! Who would want to be bossed around like that?

To make sure everyone has a great time, follow these simple host rules of civility:

Be prepared. If you’re serving food, make sure that’s clear and ask if there are any allergies or dietary preferences that you should know about. If you’re not cooking, let people know. I once went to a wedding that was held at 7pm. The reception was immediately after but only had alcohol and dessert—not a great combo on an empty stomach. I had to leave early because I was so hungry. Had I known food was not provided I would have eaten beforehand. Beyond food, think about factors like beverages, music, entertainment, seating, child care, etc. that may impact your guests’ experience. A little effort goes a long way.

Don’t micromanage. There’s a fine line between being prepared and being overbearing. For instance, it’s fine to delegate responsibilities to other family members for Thanksgiving dinner, but don’t order them around about every single detail. If it’s mandatory that you have a specific red wine with dinner, buy it yourself. Don’t get mad if a guest shows up with a bottle of white, or doesn’t make green bean casserole the way you like it.

Provide icebreakers. As host it’s your job to greet each guest warmly, offer them refreshments, and introduce them to the other guests. Sometimes a board game, charades, or even Rock Band can help people get to know each other and form a bond. If the conversation hits a lull, or one person is monopolizing the topic, it falls to you to steer the talk back to other subjects.

Don’t lose your cool. Yes, you’ve been cooking and cleaning all day, and there will be a million dishes to do later. But save the martyr act. It was your choice to throw a party, and it would be a shame to make guests—provided they’re not destroying your house—feel like a burden. Also, thank your guests the next day for coming to the event.