Be a Good Dinner Companion

About a year ago I had a dinner meeting with a woman who was interested in doing business together. She didn’t know Atlanta well, so she asked me to pick a restaurant and make the reservation. I chose a great little place that was centrally located, famed for its delicious cuisine, and elegant without being expensive or stuffy.

I was happy with my choice, but from the moment we sat down the woman could only complain about every little thing. The service was too slow. She didn’t like the table décor. The wine list wasn’t extensive enough, and there weren’t enough dishes to accommodate her gluten-free diet (which she hadn’t mentioned when she asked me to pick a place). I felt that everything had been lovely—besides the company. I knew right then and there that I didn’t want to work with someone who was so critical.

Complaining and whining and just generally being difficult can really affect how people see you. Who wants to dine with someone who is rude to the waitstaff or can’t take half a second to appreciate the moment? Even if the restaurant was truly terrible, it’s unproductive to complain about it the entire time. I’d rather deal with the issue and then move on with a shrug and a smile. I’m sure this woman’s aggressiveness had been an asset in her career, but it rubbed me the wrong way. I felt embarrassed at her behavior and anxious to call it a night.

The next time you’re dining out or socializing with others, wait a moment before voicing a complaint. Are you being petty? Are you just venting because you’ve had a bad day? Will whining actually make the situation better? Or should you shrug it off and try to be good company? I vote for the latter!

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Finger Foods: Practicing Proper Dining Etiquette

A friend of mine emailed me to express her shock at the poor table manners she’s been noticing at various work functions lately.

“We’ve seen several people in the past few months use their fingers to push food onto their knife or fork at business meals,” she writes. “Several of them were attorneys!”

A fancy law degree doesn’t necessarily buy you class, but it’s disappointing to see that business professionals are letting themselves down by failing to practice good dining etiquette. Even a child is told not to play with their food, so why are these adults letting their manners lapse? Sloppy manners are a dead giveaway that you’re not as polished and sophisticated as you’d like people to think! Don’t you want your fellow diners to leave thinking about the great conversation you had, instead of the way you shoved food into your mouth?

Of course, there are some foods that do call for you to use your fingers. To help you step up your etiquette game, I’ve provided this little cheat sheet.

Burgers and sandwiches: Neatly slice the sandwich in half (or ask that it be prepared this way) and avoid oversaucing so that it doesn’t spill out the sides. Take modest bites and chew slowly.

Chips and dip: Hands are fine. Just don’t double-dip, or let your fingers touch the dip.

Hors d’oeuvres: Passed hors d’oeuvres are almost always eaten by hand, though I have seen a trend of spoons filled with, say, tuna tartare. Olives can also be eaten by hand, but if a toothpick is provided, use it.

Fruit: Berries are typically eaten with a spoon, while pineapple should be cut up with a knife and fork. For avocado, use a spoon if it is still in its shell, and a fork if it’s sliced.

Oysters on the half shell: Hold the shell in your left hand and use an oyster fork to lift the oyster out.

Asparagus: Technically it is okay to eat a spear with your fingers, but unless the host or hostess eats it this way, I recommend using a knife and fork.

If you happen to be attending a cocktail party or business meal and find yourself unsure about the proper etiquette, just observe what everyone else is doing. Sometimes that’s the easiest way to learn!

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Put the Phones Away During Meals

A friend of mine was just telling me about a recent restaurant experience. She and a friend treated themselves to a lavish meal at a Japanese restaurant in which the food is cooked at the table. They were seated facing another party, a family who appeared rather well-to-do and elegant. But that image was soon tarnished when nearly every single family member whipped out his or her iPhone and began playing with it rather than striking up a conversation or even making eye contact with one another. It was almost comical to watch, my friend says.

This continued even as the chef was preparing their meal. Nobody paid any attention to him, and barely looked up when he handed them a plate. At the end of the meal, the young son (who was probably about 12 or 13) ordered an ice cream dish which involves the stovetop being set on fire in a dramatic display. It’s entertaining to watch, but the boy was so engrossed in his iPhone that he almost missed it all, forcing the chef to stop what he was doing and say, “Hey, hey, hey, look.”

The sole exception to this was the father of the family, who appeared to be considerably older. When his wife commented that it was no wonder people get so addicted to their iPhones, as there’s so much information available, he remarked, “Yes, but it’s also why people don’t say please or thank you anymore.” He was the only one not using a handheld device during the meal, and when the family left he said “Bon appetit” to my friend and her guest as he passed by. How classy! He definitely seemed to be part of an older generation that truly appreciated good manners.

As a civility expert, I’m determined to see good manners live on with each new generation. One thing parents can do to enforce this is to ban iPhones and other electronic gadgets from the dinner table. This goes for the parents, too. Turn your phones to silent during your meal so you can take the time to catch up on everyone’s news and actually bond, not silently wolf down your food while you play Angry Birds or text a classmate. It’s important to set a good example!

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Wine Etiquette for New Year’s Eve Parties

Are you hosting a party for New Year’s Eve, or planning to attend a big bash? Make sure your wine etiquette is up to snuff.

The other day I happened to sumble upon an adorably quirky (and helpful!) illustrated wine etiquette guide from the blog A Cup of Jo. For instance, did you know that you should keep your eyes focused on your glass as you take a sip, even if you are engaged in conversation with someone else?

It’s also correct to hold the wine glass by the stem, and you should never cross arms while toasting. And don’t forget your portions: the glass should be filled a third of the way for red wine; halfway for white wine; and three-quarters for champagne.

By brushing up on a few tips you can ring in the New Year with some added confidence … and an ultra-sophisticated image! Have a great holiday!

 

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Group Dinner Etiquette

My friend was recently telling me about a birthday dinner she was invited to. The chosen restaurant was a popular eatery that accepts bookings. As such, the birthday girl made a reservation for their large group—but did so before all the RSVPs came in. She also showed up an hour late, which meant her friends—many of whom had not met each other before—had to wait outside until she arrived. They were finally seated at a table for 20, even though there were only 12 people. This was inconvenient to the restaurant, and also made other guests have to wait longer. For religious reasons, the restaurant was BYOB. This was fine, but then guests began complaining that there were no wine glasses. This was by no means a fancy restaurant, and my friend, who had eaten there several times, tried to point out that there were worse things than drinking wine from a water glass.

Though they had been sitting for quite a while, half the table didn’t bother to look at the menus until the waiter came to take their order. Then, when the dishes were served, nobody paid attention to what the waiter was saying as he tried in vain to get the plates on the table. One man kept saying, “I can’t remember what I ordered; I just pointed to something on the menu.” He then sulked for the rest of the meal because he was sure he had ordered another dish, though he couldn’t remember what it is.

Everyone agreed that the food was excellent, but my friend felt irritated by the whole event. Showing up late, being disorganized, complaining excessively, being disrespectful to staff, and needing a babysitter to help you get the right order… this all points to a lack of civility and maturity. It didn’t seem like an adult dinner party; it felt like a kid’s birthday party.

If you are hosting an evening out, don’t be late! As a Plan B you can appoint a close friend to step up should some unforeseen delay tie you up. Let this person know whose name the reservation is under, who is coming, and how to reach them. Be sure that your number is accurate; most restaurants won’t seat a table until most, if not all, of the party is there.

And if you’re the guest, cheer up! You have been invited because the host enjoys your company. Why ruin it by complaining about petty issues? Go with the flow, I say.

Being a Civil Restaurant Patron

The other day my friend and I were enjoying lunch at a crowded restaurant. To be fair, the restaurant was very cramped and did not have a designated area where people could stand to wait for a table. As a result, we were surrounded by people gawking at us as we dined. It was very uncomfortable and we felt totally rushed! It was like having someone read the paper over your shoulder. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

But not everyone was rude and crowded our space. One couple lingered by us for a moment, but apologized profusely. They then notified the hostess that they would wait outside rather than hover over us. I appreciated their sympathy and civility. If only everyone had been as kind!

Being civil means having a fair amount of self-awareness and being attune to how your actions may affect others. It’s not about thinking about what suits you best all of the time. That couple may have been warmer waiting inside, but they realized that doing so would be awkward and rude to other diners. Nobody likes to wait for a table, but it dampens the experience when you finally score that table and can’t fully enjoy yourself.

By the same token, my friend and I sought to be civil by understanding that there were several hungry people waiting to be seated. As a result we refrained from hogging the table for ages, and asked for the check as soon as we had finished the meal. We did not linger. Sure, it would have been lovely to camp out and chit-chat for ages, but it seemed selfish to do so when so many people were waiting.

I hope you’ll think about this the next time you are dining—or waiting for a table—in a crowded restaurant. A little civility will make the whole experience more enjoyable for all!

Dining Etiquette: The End of the Knife?

There’s a dining etiquette brouhaha brewing on the other side of the Atlantic.

As The Daily Mail reports, Britons are using knives less and less when they dine—so much so that forks outsell knives by two to one. Whereas traditional etiquette calls for a knife and fork, more people are now eating “American-style,” using just a fork in one hand to cut up their food.

“It’s such bad manners,” British etiquette expert Jean Broke-Smith says. “I know the Americans cut up their food and then leave the knife hanging on the side of the plate while they move the fork to their right hand and dig in like animals. This is just another sign that people are forgetting what a dining room table is. I have to teach kids how to eat with a knife and fork and sit at a table instead of using a fork in a plastic container in front of the television. It’s very sad.”

In our defense, I have noticed that Brits use knives more frequently than we do, using them not just to cut up meat but also to arrange morsels of food on the fork for dishes like pasta and beans. And with people opting for less formal meals these days—say, a fast food burger or a chicken wrap rather than a chicken cutlet—it’s not surprising that the knife has fallen by the wayside.

We often think that if something is soft enough to cut with a fork (say, a crab cake), we don’t need a knife. But using a knife is more formal and correct, even if we don’t think we need it. However, to avoid any lapses in dining etiquette here or across the pond, follow these simple rules:

-Do not cut your meat all at once, then “dig in.” Cut a bite-sized portion with your knife and fork, then eat it, then cut another bite.

-Avoid using your hands. It’s one thing to use your hands to eat a taco or a burger, but you don’t want to be seen picking at your salad with your fingers. If you can’t get every bit of food on your fork, use your knife to help.

-Observe what others are doing. If your dining companion (whether it’s your date or your boss) is using a knife for everything, follow suit. You should also consider cutting burgers or sandwiches in half with a knife and fork, or cutting up pizza bite by bite if you’re in a must-impress situation—it’s less casual, but less sloppy too.