Why Yelling at Work is Pointless

Do you have a tendency to raise your voice or yell at work when something goes wrong? According to several studies, you’re really not helping matters. I just came across this fascinating article in the Wall Street Journal which explains why yelling is an ineffective tool, with research showing that it can impair employees’ ability to remember things and follow instructions. Admit it—it’s pretty hard to concentrate when your boss is screaming at you.

Interestingly, sending an angry email or silently fuming at a co-worker is also unproductive. The article mentions an instance in which an editor fired off an email berating a writer for not doing their job, only to find herself in the hot seat when the writer called to complain to the higher-ups; apparently they did not appreciate having forceful complaints in writing.  

So what’s the best way to resolve workplace conflicts while bringing civility back to the workplace? Experts suggest calmly verbalizing your complaint in short sentences that begin with “I.” Say, “I understand where you were coming from, but I don’t agree that the situation was handled properly.”

You should also wait 24 hours before responding, which will likely remove some of the sting. The article also suggests using a soft voice when raising a complaint, as it tends to encourage the other person to lower their volume. Instead of focusing on issuing blame, suggest solutions or ways mistakes can be avoided in the future.

And if you are the person being yelled at, try not to react. It will throw the screamer off guard and hopefully force them to retreat. Issue a calm response and don’t rise to the bait. The office is no place for screaming matches.  

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Packing for a Business Trip

After reading my last post on international etiquette, a client of mine brought up another interesting travel-related issue: what to wear! As a successful businesswoman she is often required to travel for various conferences, training seminars, and the like. These events may include a range of activities, such as breakfast meetings, classes, luncheons, cocktail receptions, and formal dinners. In other words, there’s a lot to pack and plan ahead for!

My client has noticed that many people on these trips view it as a vacation and dress accordingly—shorts, sneakers, flip-flops, and skimpy tops that aren’t acceptable in a professional arena. I loved her quote: “I am surprised at the number of people who do not comprehend the fact that seminars and conferences are not vacations; they are business/networking opportunities and, as such, one should dress as they would to have lunch with a colleague with whom they are seeking to do business. In some instances, cruise wear is acceptable but one should not wear shorts, strappy sundresses, or other vacation wear to a conference or seminar; the dress code is never less than business casual.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself! Of course, many of us (men and women) struggle to fit outfits suitable for these myriad events in our overnight luggage. Here are a few tips that I have relied on over the years.

 -Focus on versatile basics. Pack pieces that can easily be transformed for day to night, or informal to formal. A black sheath can be reworked with jewelry or a scarf, while a black pencil skirt or trousers can be dressed up or down with a variety of blouses.

-Opt for lightweight fabrics. Linen, jersey, and silk will take up less room in your suitcase, and make you feel more comfortable to boot. If you’re worried about wrinkles, call ahead to confirm that your hotel has on-site dry cleaning services, or, at the very least, an iron.

-Map your trip out. Before you go, look at the itinerary and calendar of events. Figure out what level of dress you’ll need for each event, and determine whether certain items can be “recycled.” For instance, I may bring a fitted blazer to wear over a silk dress for a reception, a pencil skirt and button-down blouse for a meeting, or a more casual solid tee and dark boot-cut trousers for class.

 -Think “casual chic.” Yes, you want to be comfortable. But how would you feel if you ran into a corporate bigwig in the lobby while you’re wearing yoga pants and a ratty tee? Instead, find more tasteful ways to be casual. Swap your flip-flops for ballet flats, or glam up a fitted solid tee (no logos!) with a statement necklace or scarf.

For more tips on this situation, read my book Executive Image Power, which features a chapter called “The Perfect Pack” by my colleague Julie Kaufman.

President Obama’s Royal Etiquette Mishap

Even heads of state make etiquette blunders—especially when royalty is involved. Last time the Obamas visited Britain’s royal family, the First Lady ruffled feathers by touching the Queen (a big no-no, apparently). Last week, it was the President’s turn to cause a minor breach of protocol by talking over British national anthem.

Here’s how it happened: While addressing dinner guests, Pres. Obama said “I propose a toast to her majesty, the queen.” Unbeknownst to him, these words were a cue to the band, who began playing “God Save the Queen.” He had no choice but to finish his speech by talking over the music, as guests stood in salute. The Queen herself did not raise her glass until the anthem had finished playing. 

Of course, you could argue that the band was to blame for the mishap. Still, if I were Pres. Obama, I would be very upset at my international protocol team. It would have been prudent of them to have had the speech approved by someone with a wealth of experience on royal protocol in order to avoid any etiquette breaches.

If you’re travelling abroad, I urge you to brush up on the country’s culture and etiquette guidelines. Making certain gestures or greeting someone with a particular hand can be considered a major slight in some regions. And while it’s unlikely you’ll have to give a speech toasting the Queen, having a good grasp of local customs will help you avoid an unpleasant encounter.

Mind Your Body: How Poor Grooming Affects Civility

Yet another of Dr. P.M. Forni’s rules of civility is “mind your body.” This isn’t a call to hit the gym or throw on a leotard. Rather, it’s a reminder to maintain proper grooming so that people are drawn, and not repelled, to our appearance.

We’ve all encountered people with foul breath, dandruff, and bad body odor. And we all know how unpleasant it is. Imagine that you are meeting with a new accountant or lawyer, someone who is desperate to win your business. Even if they are wearing a $2,000 suit, if they look sloppy or have poor grooming habits, you will most likely try to get out of the meeting as soon as you can. You may overlook their qualifications and opt for someone else who doesn’t offend you with their lack of grooming.

For example, a friend of mine once hired a photographer to take shots of her family. The photos turned out nice, but the photographer’s breath stank of onions and it was such a turnoff that they never used him again. Another friend of mine once worked in a restaurant in which two waiters had to be sent home because diners had complained of their strong body odor. It completely put them off their meals!

Appearance may seem like a superficial aspect of our lives, but when your poor grooming infringes on others—e.g., stinking up their environment—it becomes an issue. The same is true of people who douse themselves in heavy fragrance every day. That Chanel No. 5 may smell lovely to you, but if it’s making everyone in the elevator’s eyes water, it’s too much.

Basically, it’s all about being mindful and considerate. You may be fine with your own “natural aroma,” but that doesn’t mean you should subject other people to it. And by maintaining a fresh, well-groomed, and polished appearance, you’ll be cultivating an image that is professional and approachable. That can only help your business!

Outbursts & A Call for Civility

Has the world gone mad? Every day we hear of someone who has either lost their temper, cursed someone out, or spewed racially insensitive words!

Last week Dr. Laura Schlessinger repeated the “n word” several times on her radio show after a black caller phoned in to complain about her white husband’s friends using the derogatory term in her presence. That was totally inappropriate and unacceptable. Although she apologized the next day, Dr. Laura kept going back to that word as if she enjoyed saying it. It’s an outrage to have a radio personality speak this way. Radio shows and TV networks are constantly fined for “obscene” language or nudity (thank you, Janet Jackson), but I find this incident much more offensive. When you are in public eye, you have a responsibility to behave in a civilized, educated, and mindful way. And as a human being, that sort of language and taunting is unforgivable.

Then we have Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who lost his temper, cursed at a passenger, deployed an evacuation slide, and drove home. The worst part about him is that he received instant celebrity and was condoned by some. I hear he was even offered a reality show! How can we reward someone who is so mindless of others, especially when he is in the customer service industry? Yes, we’ve all dealt with annoying or rude customers, but it’s so much better to just take a deep breath and get through the situation with dignity.

And don’t get me started on Mel Gibson. His outbursts have tanked his career. Perhaps he will be like Alec Baldwin—who once famously left a nasty voicemail for his own daughter—and enjoy a career renaissance after a few years, but it seems unlikely. His nastiness has tarnished his accomplishments.

Apparently none of these people know the three Rs of civility: Respect, Restraint, and Responsibility.

As you know, my mission this year and for the rest of my life (!) is to help bring civility back not only into the workplace but in the world. I am a member of the Civility Counts Project spearheaded by the Association of Image Consultants International and our goal is to promote civility in our community.

That doesn’t mean we expect everyone to curtsy to each other or anything over-the-top like that. It simply means being human, and treating others like you would like to be treated. Remember that old concept? It means not pushing people out of your way, or using foul language, or neglecting to thank someone, or threatening someone because they took the parking spot you wanted. It means being polite, calming down, and showing respect for others.

I challenge each and every one of you to join me on my civility crusade. Life is too short to be nasty!

The “No Problem” Problem

When someone thanks you, do you respond with “you’re welcome,” or the more informal “no problem”? I was amused by a recent Salon column by Matt Zoller Seitz in which he rages against the use of “no problem” these days. To him, when a cashier says “no problem,” he feels the urge to respond, “I know it’s not a problem, it’s your job.”

This may seem like splitting hairs, but I was once talking to a career expert who advised young professionals to avoid saying “no problem,” because it implies that there might have been a problem. On a personal level, the word “no” has a negative connotation, while “you are welcome” is positive and inviting.

My advice? Try to stick with “you’re welcome,” especially if you’re speaking with older individuals. It just sounds more professional!

Making an Effort When It Comes to Networking

Atlanta Women in Business had an after-hours event last week. Some of us invited guests so they could become more familiar with our association. Out of four people we had invited, three did not show up and did not even call to say they were not coming—they were total no-shows. One person, after we emailed her the next day, claimed that “she didn’t feel like driving in the heat,” but wondered if she could mail us some of her business cards so we could distribute them to our members for her.

 Hello?! Isn’t networking about meeting people, starting relationships and bonding? Who would have the nerve to ask someone to distribute their business cards because they didn’t feel like driving in the heat to do it herself? I am so over people not thinking before they do anything. They are so wrapped up in themselves that they are downright selfish and mindless. Has the world gone mad? 

 Every day, the founder of Atlanta Women in Business receives an average of eight calls from people (mainly women) asking if they can speak to our group to sell their products/services.  Lya, the founder, tells them that we only allow our members to speak because we only have four luncheons and eight after-hours events a year and we want to give every member the opportunity to be known by other members. As a result, Lya encourages these women solicitors to become members. The membership is only $70/year and it has many benefits. Still, people get frustrated that they cannot simply bypass the system.

Why do people want something for nothing? Why don’t people want to make an effort and offer something? Business is not earned by forcing others to take your business card, especially if you can’t go out of your way to put in a little work. On the contrary, others will get annoyed and probably swear they will never do business with you! It’s not a good way to make a great first impression!

My advice: Get out there and network! Don’t make excuses, and always respond to invitations even if you can’t make it. If something comes up and you can’t attend, notify the hosts as soon as possible. And never expect others to do your work for you—it makes you look selfish, disorganized and lazy!

Email Etiquette: Why Responding Matters

Last month I had a dispute with my CPA about the fact that I kept sending her emails and she would never respond. Granted, we had already established that I wanted to extend our income tax returns due to our travel schedule, but I didn’t know if she had received the emails that followed that decision.

One thing led to another and I found out that my 2009 docs had not been received by her. Talk about a stressful situation! We were thankfully able to track down the missing documents—which of course contained all of our private financial information—but the situation could have been avoided if my CPA had taken the time to simply respond to my messages and confirm the information.

The lesson: Even if you are insanely busy and assume you know what the sender is saying in his or her email, take two minutes to read it and respond, even if you just say “received.” If you don’t have a second when you first receive the email, make sure you mark it as “unread” so you can get back to it when you have more time. You can even flag it if you have to.

It’s all about “mindfulness,” which is to never put anyone in a compromising position. Civility is lacking in the world these days and we need to bring it back. We need to respect others and treat them as we want to be treated. Small things like sending a three-word sentence to someone will save so much stress and annoyance! And besides—now that everyone has iPhones, PDAs, iPads and mobiles with web access, there’s no excuse to not be in touch!

Peyton Manning: A Bad Sport? An Etiquette Lesson in Losing with Dignity

We’ve all dissected last week’s Super Bowl action, not to mention the humorous commercials that aired during the game. But have you heard about the controversy surrounding what happened after the game? Apparently Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is catching flak for not approaching victorious Saints quarterback Drew Brees for the customary post-game handshake.

Though Manning reportedly called Brees later to offer his congratulations, and the playing field was no doubt extremely crowded, many fans see Manning’s gesture as a sign of being a bad loser.

Whether it was disrespect or just a harmless misunderstanding on Manning’s part, from the standpoint of an etiquette expert, this situation just underlines the importance of showing respect and losing with dignity.

We fight countless battles in the business world—from trying to land that new account to fighting for a promotion. Some times things go our way, and some times they don’t. But whatever the outcome, how we react speaks volumes about our character and professional image.

Say you lost out on a promotion to a co-worker you personally don’t care for. You could invoke the silent treatment or complain endlessly behind the person’s back, but that will only make you appear bitter and petty—which isn’t exactly great for your career prospects. Far better to suck it up, accept the loss as a challenge to land the next promotion, and congratulate—as genuinely as possible—your co-worker on their achievement. You do have to work with this person, after all.

By the same token, it’s important to be gracious and respectful if you do happen to be the one in the winners circle. If you won a promotion over a co-worker, it’s tacky to gloat and lord your new job over everyone. Keep the public celebrations to a minimum and shake the person’s hand while congratulating them on a good “fight.”

This way you’ll achieve a reputation for having a strong character, good values and a healthy respect for the team as a whole, not simply yourself. Losing may not be fun, but losing badly only compounds the loss.

Voice Mail Violations

Last week I was talking to a friend who had a terrible experience with a company that counted her as a client. When she called her contact there, she was told that the woman was unavailable, and was directed to her voice mail. The outgoing message said that the woman would be in a meeting until 10am, so my friend left a message. When she had not gotten a response by the late afternoon, she sent a follow-up email. Still, nothing.

The following Monday, my friend tried calling again, only to get the same message on the woman’s voice mail. She left yet another voice mail and sent another email as the issue was urgent. Desperate to get assistance before the end of the day, she called the company again before 5pm and was told by the receptionist to leave a message—again! My friend explained that she had, and was told—wait for it—that the woman in question had been out sick since the middle of the previous week.

How frustrating! This just illustrates how a lack of communication and good business sense can tarnish your image and even cause you to lose clients. The woman should have updated her voice mail and email auto responder to reflect that she was out while providing an alternate contact for pressing matters, and the receptionist should have informed my friend and other clients earlier that the woman was out, and offered to direct her to someone who could help in the interim. As it was, my friend came out of the exchange feeling ignored and like she had gotten the run-around.

If your voice mail message says that you are out until, say, 10am, people will expect you to get back to them right after 10. If you go on vacation and change your email to send an auto-responder alerting people that you will be out until the 9^th, one of the first things you should do when you get back is turn off the auto-responder. Otherwise people will be confused and unsure if they’re going to hear from you. And if you are out sick or in meetings all day, update your status to reflect that, but provide information for a secondary contact for urgent issues.