Lights Out: Smoking Etiquette

Remember when you couldn’t go to a bar without coming home reeking of cigarette smoke? Now that many cities have banned smoking in bars and restaurants this is less of an issue, but occasionally I do encounter a smoker who insists on puffing away right in my face. While I feel that smoking is a personal choice, I do believe that smokers should be mindful of their etiquette so that their bad habit doesn’t infringe on other people. A few tips:

-No smoking means no smoking. Abstain from smoking in areas—hotel rooms, bars, airplane bathrooms, etc.—that are clearly marked as “non-smoking.” You’re almost certain to be caught. Remember that guy who caused an air terrorism scare because he lit up in the bathroom mid-flight?

-Take it outside. If you are visiting a friend, you should excuse yourself and go outside if you need a cigarette. Don’t assume that because you are among friends you will be free to stink up their home or car with smoke. In fact, I know quite a few smokers who don’t smoke in their own homes as the smell lingers on the furniture. Also, if smoking outside be sure to dispose of your cigarette stub. I once had a guest who left my driveway littered with cigarette butts!

-Be aware of other people. How many times have you walked down the street and been hit with a cloud of cigarette smoke courtesy of a passerby? Or had ashes flicked on you, or been dangerously close to a cigarette burn because a smoker was waving his or her arms around carelessly? If you’re a smoker, try to maintain a safe distance and be conscious of your actions — and avoid smoking near children.

-Carry around your own matches or lighters. This isn’t true of everyone, but barely a week goes by when someone doesn’t approach me or a friend and asks for a light or even a cigarette—and then gets upset when I have neither.

-Don’t take advantage of smoke breaks. I once worked in an office where several people smoked, and they stepped out every hour or so for 10- to 15-minute smoke breaks. But the non-smokers in the office couldn’t take the same liberties. Consult your employee handbook to see how your company treats personal breaks, and heed the rules.

Email Etiquette: Why Responding Matters

Last month I had a dispute with my CPA about the fact that I kept sending her emails and she would never respond. Granted, we had already established that I wanted to extend our income tax returns due to our travel schedule, but I didn’t know if she had received the emails that followed that decision.

One thing led to another and I found out that my 2009 docs had not been received by her. Talk about a stressful situation! We were thankfully able to track down the missing documents—which of course contained all of our private financial information—but the situation could have been avoided if my CPA had taken the time to simply respond to my messages and confirm the information.

The lesson: Even if you are insanely busy and assume you know what the sender is saying in his or her email, take two minutes to read it and respond, even if you just say “received.” If you don’t have a second when you first receive the email, make sure you mark it as “unread” so you can get back to it when you have more time. You can even flag it if you have to.

It’s all about “mindfulness,” which is to never put anyone in a compromising position. Civility is lacking in the world these days and we need to bring it back. We need to respect others and treat them as we want to be treated. Small things like sending a three-word sentence to someone will save so much stress and annoyance! And besides—now that everyone has iPhones, PDAs, iPads and mobiles with web access, there’s no excuse to not be in touch!

Are Thank You Notes Becoming Extinct?

For years the thank you note was the lynchpin of the etiquette industry, but with modern technology demanding instant communications, it seems that sending a traditional letter could actually be viewed by some as bad etiquette.

In a recent article for T Magazine, Alexandra Jacobs points out that thank you cards can be seen as fussy in today’s world. Cards can take a few days to land in someone’s mailboxes, by which time they may have written you off as an ingrate with bad manners because you didn’t call or email with a simple “thanks.”

Some also cite the practice of writing thank you notes as an outdated, pretentious practice that only women are expected to maintain. Why bust out the Montblanc and monogrammed stationery when you can thank someone in person, or by text?

Personally, I think it depends on the situation. Not every encounter calls for a formal thank you card. For instance, a dinner party thrown by good friends can be honored with a bottle of wine and a phone call or text (assuming they use texting) the next day thanking them for a wonderful evening.

On the other hand, more formal occasions, such as a baby shower, wedding or charitable work, should call for a personal thank you card. Many times I’ve sent a gift and haven’t heard a peep from the recipient, which makes you wonder if they were rude, or didn’t receive the gift. I like to keep a stash of cards and stamps handy at home so I can quickly dash off a note and pop it in the mail right away. Don’t leave it too long—more than a week and the other person may feel slighted.

Of course, you needn’t send a card every time you get a gift. The above scenario refers to situations in which the presents are typically presented en masse and may perhaps be opened later. If, say, a pal sends flowers for your birthday, it’s better to call them up and thank them. No card necessary.

For job interviews, I do thinking sending a thank you card is a savvy move. If the card is thoughtful and has a nice print, the employer is likely to remember it and maybe even tack it up on their wall, which keeps you in their thoughts. But because hiring decisions can sometimes be made within days, I recommend having the card with you so that you can fill it out and put it in the mail as soon as you leave the interview. That way the interviewer will receive it the next day.

And don’t overlook creative ways to thank someone. For big favors, such as a week’s lodging in a friend’s house, a simple thank you—verbal or written on a Hallmark card—may not be enough. Jacobs recalls a friend who once thanked his hosts by tacking a funny autographed photo of himself—he was an actor appearing in the Fruit of the Loom commercials”—in one of their photo frames. Of course, leaving a photo of yourself behind may not be your friends’ idea of a gift (unless your name is George Clooney), but a tasteful fruit basket or gift certificate to a beloved restaurant should do.

On a related note, check out this article by the Wall Street Journal on online invitation services. Etiquette expert Lizzie Post decries the use of Evite, which lets people see the guest list, as it encourages people to base their response on who else is attending. What do you think?

Practicing Good Travel Etiquette

My husband and I love to travel, but time and time again our trips have been marred (though thankfully not completely!) by those who practice poor travel etiquette. Some people seem to leave their manners at home when they go on vacation, and it can turn an idyllic journey into a stressful, unpleasant experience. As we head into summer, let’s try to make a good impression abroad by following these etiquette pointers:

-Be quiet. I seem to always get stuck next to the person blaring loud music out of their iPods, or chatting loudly on their cell phones about personal matters. I know some trains offer quiet coaches that ban these activities, but wouldn’t it be nice if everyone just respected each other and turned the volume down? The same goes for when you’re watching TV in your hotel room, or having a boisterous conversation during dinner in a nice restaurant. (Remember: One person’s friendly American is another’s unbearably loud, obnoxious stereotype.)

-Be patient. I’m still shocked when I see grown people push each other to get off airplanes, or storm onto a train or bus without waiting for other people to disembark. What’s the rush? It also helps to be patient when trying to communicate in a foreign country. The locals are being patient to help you… the least you can do is do the same! So many people visit foreign places and expect everyone to speak English. When they find that’s not the case, they get upset. I’ve been watching “The Amazing Race” and one contestant has constantly belittled those who couldn’t speak English (even when she was in China). In last night’s finale she arrived in the US and hopped in a cab driven by a man with an Asian accent. Instead of working with him to get to her destination, she bemoaned his language skills and called him a “dumbass”—to his face. Talk about an “Ugly American.”

-Be prepared. Whether you’re traveling to the Ozarks or Istanbul, you should always do some research before you go. Learn some key phrases, get an understanding of the place’s geography and customs, and make a real effort to be independent and informed. Don’t just expect some local to take you by the hand and guide you to everywhere you want to go—not unless you’re paying them!

With a little effort you can get more out of your vacation and make the experience more enjoyable for you and everyone around you. Traveling is supposed to be fun, remember?

Mother’s Day Ideas for Long-Distance Moms

As you (hopefully) all realize by now, this Sunday is Mother’s Day in the United States. My own mother lives in Venezuela, so I won’t be able to spend the day with her, but I always plan something special to let her know that I’m thinking of her.

If you’re like me and have a mom who lives far away, there are still plenty of lovely gestures you can make to show your love and appreciation. Read on for a few suggestions.

-A phonecall. Don’t let this day pass without ringing Mom up and wishing her a wonderful Mother’s Day. She’ll be delighted to hear your voice. Ask her ahead of time when she’ll be around for a chat so you don’t risk missing her.

-Flowers. A beautiful bouquet will surely brighten Mom’s day. Alternatively, you can order a plant that will appeal to her green thumb. But hurry—deliveries should be placed soon to ensure they arrive in time.

-Photos. Mom may have a million photos of you growing up, but, living far away, she probably doesn’t get to enjoy the day-to-day snapshots of you and your family. Why not put together a keepsake photo album (or nice photo frame or scrapbook) featuring recent shots of you, your kids or your travels?

-A Date. Make plans with your mother to see her—even if it won’t be for a few months. No gift trumps spending time with your loved ones, so sort out when you two can next visit. Promise her a brunch, a spa day or an afternoon enjoying a cherished activity—she’ll love it!

P.S. Don’t forget your step-moms and grandmothers! They deserve a little attention on this special day too.