Subtle Acts of Being Uncivil

When people think of the word “uncivil,” they generally imagine its most extreme form—belligerence, shouting, chaos, and blatant rudeness. But what we’re far more likely to encounter in our day-to-day lives is a more subtle, but still upsetting, lack of manners. Here people aren’t going out of their way to be obnoxious, but rather, they simply lack consideration for others.

One major symptom of this is constantly pecking away at our iPhones and cell phones rather than participating in the world around us. We’re too busy playing Angry Birds to have a proper conversation or interact with others. I’ve noticed this at a lot of networking events and it makes me wonder why people bothered coming if they are going to fiddle with their phone all night.

Another pet peeve: Those who don’t observe the Golden Rule, or return favors. It’s easy to ask for help, but when it’s our turn to show some consideration, we fail to rise to the occasion.

A perfect example: A friend was telling me about how he had recently helped a friend’s husband fine-tune his resume. It was time-consuming, but he was happy to help. The next day he had invited the couple to a small event in support of another friend. The couple turned up and helped themselves to the free drinks. After 15 minutes the husband left. The wife spent the next half hour in the corner with her BlackBerry. Neither participated in the event, and my friend was not only embarrassed that he had brought them, but disappointed that it was deemed acceptable for him to spend his working hours on the husband’s resume when he couldn’t bother to mingle and participate for an hour. Next time he won’t be so quick to offer help.

You needn’t be cursing up a storm to be viewed as rude and uncivil. Failing to engage or consider how our behavior affects others is a far more persistent threat to our social interactions. Next time, take a step back and think about what sort of message you are sending. If you’re coming off as bored or ungrateful, it’s time for an attitude adjustment.

Are Aggressive Women Less Likely to Succeed?

Last week a new study came out that may be quite alarming to my fellow businesswomen. According to research from Dr. Olivia O’Neill of George Mason University and Charles O’Reilly from Stanford University, women who “act like men” in the workplace—read: act pushy, aggressive, or overly confident—are less likely to succeed than those with more “feminine” traits. More ladylike, less go-getting types are apparently deemed more likeable and are thus more likely to be promoted.

“If they are seen to behave in a stereotypically male way, they may damage their chances of promotion, even if these traits are synonymous with successful managers,” Dr. O’Neill said.

That said, “bossy” women who self-monitored their behavior so as to appear less intimidating did improve their chances of promotion. So will acting like Joan Harris score you more points than acting like Peggy Olsen? I can’t help but think of some powerful women who prove otherwise. What do you think, readers?

Martin Luther King, Jr. & Civility

Today is the day when we honor Martin Luther King, Jr., and personally I think it couldn’t have come at a better time. Given the tragic events of the last couple of weeks, I think we all need a reminder of how our country needs unity, not division. My pet project is, as you all know, returning civility to society, and Dr. King is a great inspiration. He championed seeing past our differences and treating people with respect, no matter their beliefs or skin color. And while we will reflect on him today, we really should be reflecting on him and striving to live his dream every day. Imagine how nicer the world will be.

With that, I leave you with a few choice quotes from Dr. King, as well as a challenge. Don’t think of this as merely a day off and excuse to climb back into bed. Think of it as a call to action, a reminder that we can be better than we are.

“People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they have not communicated with each other.”

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

“Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.”

Avoiding Hot-Button Topics with Strangers

Over the holidays a friend of mine was flying home to see her family. It was a long flight, and the man next to her started chatting with her. They engaged in polite conversation for a while, and all was going well until the man started bringing up politics.

“I don’t know about you, but this country is going to hell in a hand basket,” he said, before proceeding to rant about gun control, the health care bill, and every other political grievance he had.

My friend finally smiled politely and said, “I should probably mention that I’m a Democrat. “

She then tried to change the subject to something less controversial but the man laughed and said, “No judgment”—which offended her even more than his political ravings. After all, why should he even imply that he would judge her because her political views differed from his?

Later on the man also brought up another taboo subject, religion, explaining in great detail why he was an atheist and how others had it wrong. My friend was desperate to return to her book!

Politics and religion are two subjects that should not be brought up if you’re chatting with someone you just met. They are highly emotional and sensitive topics, and you can’t assume that the person in the seat next to you shares your views. Like the man my friend encountered, you will more likely offend or alienate someone with your preaching.

Having strong viewpoints is good. But know your audience, and remember that practicing civility doesn’t mean airing your opinions to everyone in your path. An airplane ride or doctor’s waiting room is not the appropriate place for a political debate.

The Arizona tragedy over the weekend is an extreme illustration of how political issues can blow up. What we need is unity, not divisiveness. If you have even the slightest niggling that a topic will be too sensitive, personal, or controversial, skip it. You don’t want things to get heated, and, honestly, do you really care about the political views or religious outlook of someone you just met? Is it worth any potential drama to get a thumb’s up on your opinion from a near-stranger? No.

If someone brings up a topic you’d rather not engage in, or says something inappropriate, try to stay calm and simply change the subject or end the conversation. By getting worked up you’ll be stirring up more drama and things will get more heated.

A Week Without Complaining?

Recently I was visiting with some friends and, though I was having a great time, I must have felt frustrated by the weather, feeling tired, and everything else on my plate. Well, let me tell you that it didn’t go unnoticed. When I spoke up to quibble about some minor irritation, my friend pointed out that I’d been complaining about every little thing! Her comment took me aback, but I realized that my petty whines had made it seem like I was totally miserable. Not exactly good company, huh?

Inspired by that “wake up call” and a few bloggers that I’ve read about, I’m pledging to go complaint-free for a full week. Care to join me? Sometimes we don’t realize that letting little things getting under our skin and moaning about it makes us appear unhappy, unpleasant, and even rude. The neighbor is being too loud? If it’s not interrupting your sleep, let it slide. The restaurant is out of the dish you specifically came to eat? Try something else. You’re too busy? Take a deep breath, count to 10, and remember that some people don’t have jobs or families to keep them occupied.

I’m looking forward to biting my tongue, shrugging off those little irritations, and engaging in conversations that are more positive, upbeat, and meaningful. It’s a great way to focus on the moment and be grateful for the things that are going right, not the things that are going wrong.

Now, who’s with me?