Graduation Etiquette

I know a lot of you have been celebrating high school and college graduations lately, which are typically festive occasions. What parent doesn’t want to proudly cheer on their child? What graduate doesn’t want to whoop and holler and throw up his or her cap in the air?

Unfortunately, that sort of behavior could cause serious repercussions for a graduate. According to Fox News, some graduates have had their diplomas withheld because their friends and family cheered too loudly or blasted airhorns as they walked across the stage. Officials say the loud whistles and boisterous celebrations show a lack of decorum and interrupt and overshadow the graduate who is next in line.

Now schools are escorting—and even arresting—unruly graduation attendees, as well as slapping graduates with community service penalties before they can receive their official diplomas.

Harsh? Perhaps, but officials say they’ve got to crack down if they want to discourage out-of-control behavior at future ceremonies. In other words, stick to some polite clapping—but save the airhorns and whistles for the graduation party.

Using Your Cell Phone While Waiting in Line

The other day a friend of mine was shopping in the market and was stuck in a line with several other shoppers. One young woman must not have seen the line and instead decided to wait to the side while she chatted on the phone. A store employee pointed out her mistake but she continued to stand there. My friend decided to be helpful and alert her to the growing line of people behind her, so she could join the line before it got even busier. Instead, the woman snapped, “I’m waiting here, and I’ll just go after you.” My friend pointed out that several of the people behind her had been waiting longer, but the woman issued a snotty comeback. My friend was so flummoxed by this blatant rudeness that she was tempted to let the people behind her in line go ahead of her. Would it have killed this woman to simply wait her turn and join everyone else?

Nobody enjoys standing in line, but bad manners make the experience even worse. Almost as bad as the people who cut in line are those who spend the entire time loudly chatting on their cell phones, not bothering to end the conversation when they get to the till. Instead, they avoid contact and bark out their orders with their phone wedged between their shoulder and ear. They barely respond to the employee’s questions, and then take ages to get out their money and collect their belongings. Meanwhile, other customers are held up and left fuming.

When I got my nails done the other day another customer decided to make a phone call just as she was sitting down to a manicure. The poor manicurist could barely get hold of the woman’s hands, and yet it never occurred to the woman that perhaps it was rude and inconvenient to be chattering away while someone was trying to do her job.

Being aware of other people, especially when you’re using a cell phone in public, will make your day-to-day errands much more enjoyable and efficient. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been knocked into by someone who was too busy talking on their cell phone or playing with their iPhone to look up and see where they were going.

Are you letting your cell phone get in the way of civility? Hang up and return the call after you’ve conducted your business!

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ATM Etiquette

The other day I stopped an ATM to withdraw some cash. I wasn’t in a huge rush, but found my patience soon tested by the couple ahead of me in line. They appeared to be tourists from Germany, and must have had seven cards on them. The woman swiped each card, withdrew cash, and handed it to the man. Then she would insert the next card, and repeat the whole process.

As a result, I must have been in line for close to 10 minutes. The man behind me grumbled and I noticed several rolled eyes. I was able to keep my cool but was disappointed to see that the couple never offered an apology or so much as a conciliatory smile. I’m not sure why they needed so much money from all of those cards, but they must have realized that they were holding up the line. In the past I’ve stopped at an ATM and had to do multiple transactions, but have always offered to let the person behind me go ahead, or at least apologized for the extra delay. It would have been nice if the couple had doen the same.

If you are holding up a line (whether it’s at the ATM or the grocery store), appearing apologetic can help defuse the situation and shows the people behind you that you respect their time and feel remorse for wasting it. A little civility goes a long way!

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The London Riots: When Civility Breaks Down

Since this blog is primarily about civility, it seems important to mention last week’s riots in London. Having visited London earlier this summer, I was shocked and dismayed to see it under siege, with buildings going up in flames, police officers battling rioters, and shop windows being destroyed so that looters could go in and raid the contents. What a shame, especially as the city gears up to host the Olympics next year.

Riots have no place in civilized society. Though the London riots had more to do with socioeconomic forces than this summer’s hockey-spurred Vancouver riots (although I’ve read that many looters were middle-class, including one woman whose father is a millionaire), it’s so disheartening to see people destroy what others have built up. Small business owners saw their shops under attack, and factories that employed hundreds of people will be forced to shut down and have lay-offs. I also saw hoodlums help up an injured young man, then rob him. Rather than hurting the government or the establishment, the rioters were hurting people like them, dragging more into poverty and homelessness.

The London riots show just how vulnerable our society is to random acts of violence and thuggery. While it’s up to our government and leaders to provide preventative measures and a sense of order, it’s also up to us to be responsible human beings and maintain civility. Have respect for your fellow man, and pride in your community!

Civility and Grooming

The other day a friend of mine was taking an airport shuttle and heard a strange, distracting noise. She looked around and finally found the culprit: a woman who was clipping her fingernails! My friend was completely disgusted and in shock. The woman was well-groomed (probably because she grooms in public) and nicely dressed, but whatever poised and elegant image she had built up was totally ruined by her uncouth behavior. Her fingernails were flying onto her lap and onto the floor, and people were avoiding sitting by her so that they wouldn’t be caught in the crossfire.

Practicing good civility means not engaging in rude or inappropriate behavior that is better left to the beauty parlor or bathroom. Touching up your lipstick is one thing; busting out your makeup bag and glamming up in full view of everyone is another. I once sat next to a woman on a plane who thought it would be a good idea to brush her long hair while still in her seat (I should have told her to use the bathroom). And I’ve heard horror stories of people dousing their locks with hair spray, applying deodorant, and even flossing (yuck!) in public places like a bus, waiting line, or movie theater.

If you need to freshen up, take it to the bathroom or locker room. And certain grooming regimens, such as flossing or clipping your nails, are better done at home. After all, would you want to be next to some stranger doing that? Probably not!

Thank You Card Etiquette

Between summer weddings, graduations, and the usual birthdays and whatnot, there are a lot of gifts going around. And while I’m adamant that every gift should be acknowledged with a friendly hand-written note, a client recently wanted to know if it’s necessary to send a thank you note for a thank you gift or card.

It almost makes your head spin, doesn’t it? My friend has a birthday, I send a gift, he or she sends a thank you card, I send a thank you card for that thank you card, and so on and so on …

Rather than getting caught in an overly polite cycle of gratuitous thank yous, I recommend responding to a thank you card or note with a quick phone call. Simply pick up the phone and tell the person, “I’ve just received your note in the mail. Thank you for the lovely card!” That way the gesture is acknowledged but there is no further obligation.

If the friend gives you the thank you card in person, a verbal thank you is sufficient. There’s no need to call them up later.

Note that these “lax” rules apply only to thank you cards. Gifts and good deeds should always be followed by a heartfelt thank you note!

A Classy Way to Handle a Civility Faux Pas

A friend of mine recently shared with me a surprising situation that just happened to her. She was waiting in line at a coffee shop. Though there were two people on staff, neither seemed to notice her. One was helping the customer ahead of her, and the other was busy talking to a manager. After a few minutes another woman joined her in line, but stood slightly to the side rather than directly behind her. Finally, the staff member who had been talking to his boss came back over and offered his assistance—to the woman who had just entered the line!

The woman gave her order while my friend silently fumed. She felt completely ignored. It was another minute before the second employee came over and asked if she’d been helped. When she said no, the woman who had been served first overheard and looked very apologetic. It was clear that she had not realized that she had cut in line, perhaps assuming that my friend had already placed her order.

What happened next was almost astonishing in this day and age: The woman paid for my friend’s latte! She said, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize I was jumping ahead of you. Let me get this.” How classy!

The gesture turned an annoying encounter into a surprise showing of civility and goodwill. My friend didn’t really blame the woman for going first, as she probably didn’t realize it (though, in hindsight, it would have been nice if she’d asked, “Have you been helped?” first). She was, however, disappointed that the two staff members, who clearly should have been keeping an eye on the line, especially since it wasn’t particularly busy, failed to notice her and made her feel overlooked. She almost left because of it.

Employees, let this be a lesson in customer service. For everyone else, take note on how a “rude” situation was smoothed over. We all make mistakes, but the woman’s handling of the situation felt much more genuine than a simple shrug of the shoulders and mumbled “sorry.”

Metro-North Outburst: A Lesson in Civility

Once again someone is paying the price for not practicing good civility. I’ve just a read a story about a woman on a Metro-North train in New York who drew complaints from her fellow passengers for talking loudly and using profanities. A conductor was sent over to request that the woman keep it down, at which point she let out a dramatic tirade that was, of course, captured on another passenger’s video phone.

“I was not cursing,” the woman fired back at the conductor. “Excuse me, do you know what schools I’ve been to? I’m sorry, do you think I’m a little hoodlum?’

When the conductor mentioned the expletives she’d allegedly uttered, the passenger said, “My mouth? Excuse me? Do you know how well-educated I am?”

She can also be seen standing up and demanding that the train be stopped, nearly leading to an altercation with the conductor.

Now the video of the woman’s tirade is on YouTube, and she’s no doubt regretting her bad behavior.

This is yet another example of how bad manners—talking loudly, using profanities in public, and then yelling at employees—can spiral into an embarrassing situation. If the woman is as well-educated as she claims, she is likely a business professional, and I wonder what her bosses and client think of her tirade.

Let this be a lesson: Mind your manners in public, and always keep your cool!

Bringing Civility Back to Sports

What has gotten into people? Last week a 42-year-old San Francisco Giants fan had to be put into a medically induced coma after he was beaten from behind by two Los Angeles Dodgers fans in the parking lot of Dodgers Stadium. The Dodgers had just beaten the Giants, and apparently these two thugs felt—in the presence of a 10-year-old child!—the need to celebrate by attacking an opposing fan. The man hit his head on the concrete, lost consciousness, and is now fighting for his life. Some game, huh?

Hurling taunts and verbally abusing the other teams’ fans seems to be the norm at many sporting events these days. In England, the “away” team’s fans are separated from others by a protective barrier of security guards. I’m all for competition, but somewhere along the line we’ve gone from being avid supporters to rabid fans baying for blood. It’s ugly and unacceptable.

If you are celebrating your favorite team, whether in a bar or at the stadium, resist the urge to bad-mouth the other team, name-call, or rub a victory in other people’s faces. If your team loses, don’t take it out on others. Shouting down another fan or beating them up isn’t going to magically improve your team’s record. It’s going to end with someone in the hospital and someone in jail. Curbing your alcohol intake during sporting events can also help keep the calm. We’re more likely to get riled up when we’ve had too much to drink. Also, use common sense. If you support one team, you probably shouldn’t sit near a pack of wild fans for the opposing team. Why fuel the fire?

Let’s bring back a little civility to sports!

When “Good” Customer Service Goes Bad

A friend of mine recently opened up a new bank account. The bank employee was helpful, but spent most of the time chit-chatting about upcoming travel plans and “watercooler topics” while inputting my friend’s details into the system. It was pleasant, but it also dragged on and made her late for her next appointment.

She was told that the new debit card and checks would arrive within a couple of days. When nothing surfaced, she called the bank. Lo and behold, the bank teller had put the wrong address and my friend’s bank card and personal account details had been sent to a stranger! She then had to go back to the bank and wait 30 minutes before she could correct the address, block the old card, and order new materials.

Though the bank employee had given her “good customer service” by being friendly, my friend couldn’t help thinking that if he had spent less time making small talk and more time focusing on the information he was inputting, the mistake never would have occurred. Ultimately, my friend felt like she had received poor customer service because the cards had been delivered to the wrong address and she had to spend more time fixing the error. She put it this way: I need a bank account, not a new friend.

As an image and etiquette consultant, I often praise the value of providing good customer service. However, the best customer service is to be efficient and do your job properly. Being polite and upbeat and flashing a genuine smile is great. Just be considerate of the customer’s time and needs, and don’t lose focus of the task at hand.

For instance, I often see airline ticket agents trying to banter with travelers who are desperate to catch their flight, while a long line forms behind them. These agents may think they are offering good customer service, but given the situation it would be better for them to be pleasant but also quick and efficient to help the traveler get on his or her way rather than complimenting their luggage or going on about the weather. Trust me—if you miss your flight, you won’t be fondly remembering the agent’s anecdotes about their last vacation.