A friend and her husband were recently invited over for a dinner party at his co-worker’s home. When I asked how the evening went, the husband rolled his eyes and said it was a nightmare. Why? “Because I now know what every single item in his home cost.”
Apparently his co-worker’s husband has a taste for bragging and collecting material objects. As he gave my friend and her husband a tour of their home, he would point out certain items (his big-screen TV, car, new couch, etc.) and quote what he had paid for them. My friends could do nothing but smile, raise their eyebrows, and pretend to be impressed. They felt awkward and uncomfortable talking about money so much, and kept trying to steer the conversation to other topics.
I find that money is a topic best avoided unless you’re with a spouse or extremely close friend. I do not know what salary my friends make, and I would not dare dream of asking. If a friend was having financial difficulties I would of course be there to provide a listening ear and moral support, but otherwise I feel that it is none of my business.
What’s more, bragging about your possessions and big salary makes you seem insecure, like you need to prove your worth. It’s fine to spend your money on whatever you like, but it’s far classier to keep mum about the subject of money. Besides, surely you must have something more interesting to talk about than what your watch cost!
As a civility and etiquette expert, I find it a nuisance when people leave their cell phones on during movies, church, and performances. It takes two seconds to switch the phone off or set it to silent, and yet I find that I’m always attending events in which a speech is disrupted by that telltale ringtone, followed by a chorus of tut-tuts and shhhhhhhs.
As someone who gives speeches and leads discussions on a regular basis, I’m especially sensitive to this etiquette faux pas as it can be incredibly distracting when you’re trying to get everyone’s attention. A ringtone can easily throw you off and make you struggle to remember your words, and almost always leads to an awkward moment in which you must choose whether to ignore the ring, confront the owner of the phone, or wait a moment for silence to resume.
I’ve heard of actors breaking character to tell a theater-goer to turn off their phone or leave, but I have to say that violinist Lukas Kmit has a much more elegant solution. While performing in a synagogue in his native Slovakia, Kmit was interrupted by a shrill Nokia ringtone. The violinist waited a beat, then played his own version of the ringtone on his violin. The crowd cheered and his point was made in a graceful way that made the situation less awkward.
Let this be a gentle reminder, once and for all, to switch off those phones!
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A friend of mine was telling me about two weddings she attended over the summer. Both ceremonies were out of town, so she and her husband paid for airfare and a hotel. They also ordered presents from each couple’s registry. The events were lovely, and they had a wonderful time celebrating with their friends. There’s just one catch: They have still not yet received a thank you card from either couple.
When couples first get married, there’s a lot of hubbub and it may be hard to find the time to go through each present and send out notes. But several months down the line, it’s bad form to not have at least acknowledged the gift. My friend even said that part of her has a niggling feeling that the gifts may not have been received, even though she double-checked the order. It simply appears as though the couple have not bothered to follow proper wedding etiquette.
The same goes for baby showers, birthday or holiday gifts, and any other special occasions or events you may have recently celebrated. Have you thanked all of those who needed to be thanked? If not, take action! Even if it’s been a while, a simple handwritten note saying, “I’m sorry I’ve not yet been able to thank you properly for the gift/time you spent helping out with our event.” You can mention that you have used or enjoyed the present and perhaps suggest a time to catch up over coffee or lunch soon. It’s so simple, and yet so classy!
A friend of mine was just telling me about a recent restaurant experience. She and a friend treated themselves to a lavish meal at a Japanese restaurant in which the food is cooked at the table. They were seated facing another party, a family who appeared rather well-to-do and elegant. But that image was soon tarnished when nearly every single family member whipped out his or her iPhone and began playing with it rather than striking up a conversation or even making eye contact with one another. It was almost comical to watch, my friend says.
This continued even as the chef was preparing their meal. Nobody paid any attention to him, and barely looked up when he handed them a plate. At the end of the meal, the young son (who was probably about 12 or 13) ordered an ice cream dish which involves the stovetop being set on fire in a dramatic display. It’s entertaining to watch, but the boy was so engrossed in his iPhone that he almost missed it all, forcing the chef to stop what he was doing and say, “Hey, hey, hey, look.”
The sole exception to this was the father of the family, who appeared to be considerably older. When his wife commented that it was no wonder people get so addicted to their iPhones, as there’s so much information available, he remarked, “Yes, but it’s also why people don’t say please or thank you anymore.” He was the only one not using a handheld device during the meal, and when the family left he said “Bon appetit” to my friend and her guest as he passed by. How classy! He definitely seemed to be part of an older generation that truly appreciated good manners.
As a civility expert, I’m determined to see good manners live on with each new generation. One thing parents can do to enforce this is to ban iPhones and other electronic gadgets from the dinner table. This goes for the parents, too. Turn your phones to silent during your meal so you can take the time to catch up on everyone’s news and actually bond, not silently wolf down your food while you play Angry Birds or text a classmate. It’s important to set a good example!
One of my New Year’s rituals is to have a big closet clear-out. Not only does this free up space for new purchases and any presents I might have received over the holidays, but it’s also great for starting out the year with less clutter and a more focused wardrobe. Plus, you have the opportunity to help those in need by donating the clothes to a charitable organization.
Of course, this project can be daunting for those who don’t know where to begin. It’s easy to convince yourself that “one day” you will wear those skinny jeans from high school again, or finally find a use to wear that sequined evening gown. But are you being realistic? No. To help you determine which items need to go, I’m sharing a few of my tried-and-true tips.
-Throw out anything that doesn’t fit you, or your lifestyle. Sure, you’ve resolved to lose 20 pounds by the end of the year. But that doesn’t mean you should hang on to your old “skinny” clothes. They are just taking up space. If you lose the weight, great. You can reward yourself with some fab new outfits that highlight your new figure. The same goes for pieces that you really don’t have a use for, even though you may love them. For example, those six-inch sparkly heels may be stunning, but if you can’t walk in them, what’s the point? Give them to a friend or sell them at a consignment shop if you want to get more value for them.
-Give yourself a two-year expiration date. If you haven’t worn something in two years, toss it. Exceptions can be made for family heirlooms or, say, your wedding dress, but otherwise you should just face the facts: You’re probably not going to wear that item again.
-Ditch the duplicates. I’m all for buying multiples, such as packs of black leggings, or a great tee in various colors. But if you notice that everything you own looks alike, you can weed some things out. Unless you wear black turtlenecks on a daily basis, you probably don’t need five of them!
-See what can be fixed. A loose hem or missing button can easily be repaired. Keep items that simply need dry-cleaning or a little TLC to the side, and budget an hour to drop them off with the appropriate services. They’ll be good as new!
Are you hosting a party for New Year’s Eve, or planning to attend a big bash? Make sure your wine etiquette is up to snuff.
The other day I happened to sumble upon an adorably quirky (and helpful!) illustrated wine etiquette guide from the blog A Cup of Jo. For instance, did you know that you should keep your eyes focused on your glass as you take a sip, even if you are engaged in conversation with someone else?
It’s also correct to hold the wine glass by the stem, and you should never cross arms while toasting. And don’t forget your portions: the glass should be filled a third of the way for red wine; halfway for white wine; and three-quarters for champagne.
By brushing up on a few tips you can ring in the New Year with some added confidence … and an ultra-sophisticated image! Have a great holiday!
As we head into Hanukkah (which begins on the 20th) and Christmas, let’s not forget to consider those who make our lives a little bit easier. Holiday tips are a nice way to show appreciation for the people whose services you regularly rely on, whether it’s a hairstylist or doorman.
First make a list of all the services/assistants you regularly rely on: dry cleaner, lawn service, babysitter, delivery person, postal worker, etc. If you’ve only used the service a handful of times and are not considered a regular customer, you should be exempt from any special tipping. For example, a flight attendant (who is trained to politely refuse tips) or a babysitter you’ve only used once in the past year would not need to be included.
For the rest, however, it is a nice (and often, expected) gesture to reward them with an end-of-the-year tip. It’s a way of thanking them for their service and smoothing the way for a stronger working relationship in the coming year.
Not sure who should get what? CNBC has a handy guide that breaks down the customary tip amounts for the various people in your life. There’s no need to flash the cash around. Tucking the money in an envelope with a holiday card or note thanking them for their service is best. Simply hand them the envelope and wish them a great holiday. Alternatively, you can send a check along with a note.
On that note, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday! Season’s greetings!
By now I’m sure you’ve heard about the recent incident involving actor Alec Baldwin and American Airlines. His flight delayed and sitting on the runway, Baldwin decided to bide his time by playing the Internet game Words with Friends. This, however, was in violation of the airline’s rule that passengers put away all phones and electronic devices. When a flight attendant asked him to stop, Baldwin apparently lost his cool and was abusive, culminating in his ejection from the flight and an even longer delay for his fellow passengers. The Emmy winner has since mocked the airline on Twitter and on this past weekend’s “Saturday Night Live” broadcast.
I can understand Baldwin getting frustrated by the airline’s policy, especially if they were not in flight. His flight was delayed, he wanted to keep himself occupied, and it no doubt seemed harmless. But even if we don’t think rules are arbitrary (as Baldwin pointed out on “SNL,” would we board a 747 if we thought it could be brought down by a single Kindle switch?), they are rules and should be respected. If you don’t like the rule, start a petition or lobby the people who are responsible for making it. Don’t abuse the poor person who has been charged with enforcing it. Losing his temper, acting nasty towards a flight attendant, and then getting thrown off the flight doesn’t make Baldwin look like a fearless warrior for logic—it makes him look like a belligerent and entitled prima donna. And the fact that the passengers who followed the rules had to endure an even longer delay because of his antics is shameful.
We all have moments when we feel like we are getting the runaround, or that we know better. But you really have to ask yourself if getting riled up if worth it. If it involves being abusive to another person or losing all sense of civility, I’d say no. “Being right” doesn’t feel so great when you know you let yourself down.
If you have an iPhone, you’re no doubt familiar with Siri, the voice-activated virtual assistant who can call your spouse or get you the address of the nearest pizzeria. But this helpful little feature is causing many to wonder about the etiquette of using it, as a recent New York Times article reports.
Listening to others’ phone conversations can be annoying, and Siri’s requirement that you dictate commands (which may have to be repeated) and, even specify the exact punctuation you want, can be a nuisance to those nearby. The article cites an example in which a woman standing in line at a car dealership decided to dictate a text message into her iPhone, causing irritation amongst those waiting with her. It would have been preferable for her to silently type her message rather than disturb others.
The popularity of Siri could also result in a more expanded policy regarding “quiet cars” on trains, which currently only ban phone calls rather than cell phone use.
My advice? Use Siri sparingly, and be considerate to others if you are waiting in line or standing in an elevator. If you can send a text, do so. Don’t assume that everyone wants to be privy to your conversations, human or otherwise!
All I’ve heard this morning is Black Friday this and Cyber Monday that. I’m all for a good bargain and goodness knows I love to shop, but is this really what the holidays are all about? The more I hear about how so-and-so is desperate for a Kindle or how Santa had better deliver the right designer handbag, the more I think about those among us who aren’t fortunate enough to wake up on Christmas morning to a pile of brightly wrapped packages under the tree.
Most cities have a holiday program (usually based at the mall, grocery store, or church) in which you can “adopt” a child in need and get them a present. Sometimes they need basic items like new underwear or a winter jacket. Sometimes it’s a teddy bear or a doll to call their own. These children have very little, and it makes you realize what an impact a simple toy can have on their life. In my opinion, it’s a better use of money than, say, some new gadget that we really only buy out of boredom.
There are other ways to help out this season, such as volunteering at a soup kitchen or making a charitable donation. One woman I know keeps winter gloves, socks, and hats in her tote bag to hand out to beggars on the street. Another friend hosts Christmas celebrations each year at hospitals and children’s homes to bring a little holiday spirit to those who can’t be with their loved ones.
A friend and her husband were recently invited over for a dinner party at his co-worker’s home. When I asked how the evening went, the husband rolled his eyes and said it was a nightmare. Why? “Because I now know what every single item in his home cost.”
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