Thanksgiving Survival: How to Deal with Long-Winded Talkers

With Thanksgiving just a few weeks away, now seems like an excellent time to brush up on our etiquette. As much as we love our families, everyone has one or two difficult relatives that can make the holidays a stressful time, but a little etiquette refresher will help you keep your cool as you diffuse what could turn into a dramatic situation.

Take the person who just can’t stop talking. Maybe it’s an older relative who doesn’t realize you’ve all heard his or her stories 300 times, or maybe it’s just a Chatty Cathy who manages to steer every topic of conversation into a monologue about her “fascinating” life. Yes, talking non-stop and interrupting others is bad etiquette on their part, but since they probably don’t realize that they’re talking everyone’s ears off it’s up to you to exercise a little control over the situation—otherwise you’ll go insane!

If someone starts telling a story that you and everyone at the table has heard so many times you can repeat it word for word—and it’s not a cherished anecdote that you’d like to hear again—nod politely and say, “Oh yes, I think I remember you telling us about this” or something to that effect. Acknowledge it in a way that makes the teller think that the story was a memorable or interesting one (you can smile or chuckle), but make it clear that you don’t need to hear the story again.

You can also stop someone blathering on and on by redirecting the conversation over to someone else. You don’t have to interrupt—which is rude—but you can wait for a small pause as your opportunity to interject. For instance, if Aunt Sheila is talking incessantly about the cats that belong to her friend’s cousin’s daughter (none of whom you know), wait for a pause and then say, “Oh, that reminds me—Cousin Jeff, your family has a new pet, don’t you?” Jeff can then respond and other people will have a chance to join in the conversation.

If all else fails, you can always use food, drinks or a Thanksgiving activity as a segue. If someone is going on and on and you can tell everyone else has had it, interject by asking the table if they’d like coffee or tea, or suggest that everyone move into the living room to watch the big game. If you have a child, ask the talker if they mind keeping an eye on the kid while you do dishes or check on the turkey; this will keep them occupied and not so chatty!

Most importantly, don’t shush or snap at the big talker. Yes, their behavior is annoying, but you don’t want to aggravate the situation by telling them to shut up or rudely cutting them off—trust me, you’ll regret it.

Voice Mail Violations

Last week I was talking to a friend who had a terrible experience with a company that counted her as a client. When she called her contact there, she was told that the woman was unavailable, and was directed to her voice mail. The outgoing message said that the woman would be in a meeting until 10am, so my friend left a message. When she had not gotten a response by the late afternoon, she sent a follow-up email. Still, nothing.

The following Monday, my friend tried calling again, only to get the same message on the woman’s voice mail. She left yet another voice mail and sent another email as the issue was urgent. Desperate to get assistance before the end of the day, she called the company again before 5pm and was told by the receptionist to leave a message—again! My friend explained that she had, and was told—wait for it—that the woman in question had been out sick since the middle of the previous week.

How frustrating! This just illustrates how a lack of communication and good business sense can tarnish your image and even cause you to lose clients. The woman should have updated her voice mail and email auto responder to reflect that she was out while providing an alternate contact for pressing matters, and the receptionist should have informed my friend and other clients earlier that the woman was out, and offered to direct her to someone who could help in the interim. As it was, my friend came out of the exchange feeling ignored and like she had gotten the run-around.

If your voice mail message says that you are out until, say, 10am, people will expect you to get back to them right after 10. If you go on vacation and change your email to send an auto-responder alerting people that you will be out until the 9^th, one of the first things you should do when you get back is turn off the auto-responder. Otherwise people will be confused and unsure if they’re going to hear from you. And if you are out sick or in meetings all day, update your status to reflect that, but provide information for a secondary contact for urgent issues.

Don’t Let Halloween Haunt Your Office

As we all know, Halloween arrives this weekend. Now, I love a good holiday as much as the next person, but I have to draw the line at dressing up in costume at the office. A trend I’ve noticed with increasing regularity over the years is for offices to completely lose themselves in the holidays. Halloween banners are hung up everywhere, bowls of candy corn surface on everyone’s desks, and employees trade in their professional suits and pencil skirts for silly costumes.

I for one think it’s ridiculous. It’s hard enough to get people to dress appropriately on regular days—why make it worse? Who wants to do business with an attorney dressed as a witch or a banker wearing furry bunny slippers? Frankly, as a customer I’d be turned off by the lack of professionalism. I give my business to people who exude respect, intelligence, strength and responsibility, not the person with the most creative costume or the guy who just wants to let loose.

Costumes are completely fine in a party environment, but just don’t belong in the workplace. Take a look around at most adult Halloween costumes you see these days. Many are grotesque, a few are offensive and off-color, and several—ladies, I’m talking to you—try way too hard to be sexy. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to walk into an office building and be greeted by a guy with fake blood running down his shirt, or a woman dressed as a sexy nurse.

Another consideration is that many people don’t celebrate Halloween for religious reasons. Why risk alienating an employee, or clients for that matter, just to bring some levity to the workplace?

Bottom line: Save your dressing up for trick or treating with the kids or that big Halloween party at your friend’s house—just not the office.

Don’t Fall for These Autumn Beauty Blunders

I personally love fall, but what I don’t love are the sloppy beauty mistakes that tend to arrive with the chillier temperatures. Avoiding the situations below will keep you looking fabulous while exuding professionalism all season long.

-The “Fake and Bake” look: A faux golden glow may have been kosher for summer, but now it just looks garish and unrealistic. Do you think people really believe that you slipped off to Dubai for the weekend? Instead of smearing on the self-tanner, enhance your natural complexion with a luminous powder with just a hint of tint for a healthy, beautiful radiance.

-Dry skin distress: Harsh winds and low temperatures can wreak havoc on our skin, leaving it dry and parched. Moisturize regularly with lotion, coat lips with a healing balm like Carmex (running a toothbrush over your lips also works wonders for removing flakes), and exfoliate regularly. Another trick to try: Before bedtime, coat your hands and feet in heavy layers of rich moisturizing lotion, then slip on cotton gloves and socks (which you can get at most drugstores) and leave them on overnight. You’ll wake up with irresistibly smooth skin!

-Hairy leg syndrome: Women have a tendency to be more lax about shaving their legs during the chilly months because they figure they won’t be flashing bare legs. That’s fine if you plan to wear trousers and tall boots all season, but don’t think you can get away with wearing tights over your hairy legs unnoticed. Either stick with trousers, get back to shaving, or treat yourself to a monthly wax so you don’t have to worry about regular maintenance.

-Flyaway hair: Are those gusts of wind whipping your locks into a frenzy? Consult with your hairstylist to create a manageable ‘do—with the help of hair accessories if necessary—that will hold up to those icy blasts. A weekly deep-conditioning treatment is also great for keeping hair healthy and nourished, while detangler is a must for fighting those rat’s nests that tend to form when your hair rubs against the nape of your coat.

-The overly smokey eye: Smokey eyes are a perennial fall makeup trend, but keep in mind that there’s a time and a place for dramatic peepers. In other words, heavy black-coated lids may look sexy and mysterious at a cocktail party, but they’re not appropriate for the office. Instead, create a more subdued smokey eye with a lighter gray palette or autumnal plums and hunter greens.

Staying on Top of Fall’s Color Trends

In a perfect world, we’d all have unlimited shopping budgets that let us stock up on all the new trends each season.

In reality, though, we have to be careful with our money, and therefore need to pick and choose which seasonal trends we try to work into our wardrobe. One simple way to do this? Color.

Each season designers tend to focus on a specific palette—usually pastels for spring, vivid neon hues from this past summer, etc. If you can’t afford to snag every new style that’s in the shops now, focus on adding at least one piece—preferably something versatile, like a scarf, handbag, or coat, which you’ll wear on a near-daily basis—in one of this season’s “in” colors. Not only is it a fabulous way to break up the typical black and charcoal gray cold weather wear, but it also adds visual interest and keeps you looking up-to-date and seasonally appropriate.

So what’s on our color radar this season? Hunter green, rich aubergine, and peacock blue are popular autumn hues, while here in Atlanta it seems to be all about reds and berry tones (from raspberry to plum).

And before you protest and say, “I can’t wear red!,” keep in mind that there are no “bad” colors—just bad shades. For instance, if you can’t pull off a bright cherry red, try a darker brick red. If dark purple doesn’t suit you, consider a vibrant plum. Work with your complexion, but don’t eliminate a color based on one shade.

Another option? Taking your color down south. Color affects our complexion when it frames our face; if we move it away from our face in the form of trousers, a skirt, heels, or a bag, a color or shade that is typically “off limits” has no impact on whether we look tired or radiant.

That said, there’s nothing better than finding a color that really lights up your face when you wear it, especially if it’s seasonally appropriate. And since red—whichever shade works best for you—may not always fly at the office, I recommend investing in a beautiful red scarf to frame the face and pop against your dark winter coat. What a great way to make last year’s coat look completely fresh!

Facebook Etiquette: What You Need To Know

Regardless of age, it seems like just about everyone is on Facebook these days. True, social networking tools can make it easier to keep in touch with loved ones and old friends while helping you build a brand and reach a larger audience. That said, there are some unspoken rules that will make everyone’s Facebook experience much better. Read on for a few guidelines to Facebook etiquette.

-Only friend people you actually know. It’s annoying to get a friend request from a total stranger. What’s the point? Do you think that they’ll be so desperate for “friend numbers” that they’ll confirm the request? Even if you are trying to promote your company or brand via a profile, it’s better to make contact with relevant groups rather than blindly adding anyone and everyone. Try adding a Facebook link to your email signature, company website, or even business card if you want to recruit online fans—it’s much more effective than being an online nuisance.

-Avoid suggesting friends. Facebook has a tool that lets you suggest friends to other people. While it’s a nice idea in theory, many people see it as meddling; in other words, if they wanted to be friends, they would be. Just because two people in your circle know each other does not necessarily mean that they want to befriend each other on Facebook. Rather than making an awkward and pushy online suggestion, just casually mention that a mutual acquaintance is online. That way they can take the initiative and add them if they like.

-Avoid overly revealing or boring status updates. You had spaghetti for dinner? Fascinating! Toilet paper is on sale for 2-for-1 at Target? Amazing! Unfortunately, most people won’t find that terribly exciting—especially if you provide hourly updates on every single thing you’re doing. (Don’t you have work to do?) On the flip side, don’t be one of those people who overshares. We don’t need to know about your sex life, your baby’s dirty diapers, or any dirty laundry you feel like spilling. Save statuses for important announcements or truly interesting updates.

-Keep it on the down low. Facebook has a million quizzes and applications available, but it sends the wrong message if people click on your profile and all they see is Mob Wars or Farmville—especially if you use your profile for business purposes! That doesn’t mean you can’t play online games, but you should opt out of publishing your results. Otherwise people will get the impression that you are wasting time when you could be working.

-Edit your profile. Don’t post anything on Facebook—photos, wall posts, status updates about a troublesome client—that you aren’t prepared to have seen by the entire world. Nothing on the Internet is private, so save any personal party snapshots for the photo album if you’re worried clients or potential employers can see them. And let’s not forget about the girl who went online to rant about her awful job and slave-driving boss—only to forget that said boss was a Facebook friend! He fired her right on the spot!

-Don’t forget your dictionary. Don’t start using sloppy grammar or spelling just because you’re online. It reflects poorly on your professional image.

Health Care Etiquette

Since everyone seems to have health care on the brain these days, now seems like a good time to cover medical etiquette. Between my work consulting for medical offices and my husband’s recent illness, I have seen both sides—patient and professional. Read on for etiquette tips to help make your medical interactions go more smoothly.

One note: I don’t think these things are exclusive to the medical industry. However, medical offices are different in that their customers are patients who are sick, old, or just afraid of doctors and what they might tell them. The administrative staff needs to put themselves in the place of a patient. They need to learn empathy. They’re not working in a garage—they are dealing with people’s health.

For Healthcare Professionals:

-When making an appointment, the first question is “Do you have insurance?” In my husband’s case, he has Medicare as primary and Aetna as secondary. When he was looking for a new orthopedic surgeon, he was told by two different doctors’ offices: “Sorry, the doctor doesn’t accept Medicare patients.” It’s pretty disconcerting when you are in pain, are recommended a surgeon, and the receptionist tells you right away to forget about making an appointment. I understand that many doctors do not want to deal with Medicare, although we have found that Medicare pays faster than insurance companies and there are rarely any denials on claims. However, there are ways of saying “no” and one would be “We don’t, but we can recommend so and so.”

 -The way some nurses, assistants and PAs dress is deplorable. Gone are the days of crisp white uniforms. I know white lab coats cannot be worn by all personnel and that it’s all about comfort these days, but you can be comfortable and look professional at the same time.

-I don’t think a doctor should examine you in his or her street clothes, especially a gynecologist. Wearing a lab coat is perceived as authoritative and knowledgeable.

-When you’re checking out after visiting the doctor, some employees don’t even look up at you. You hand them your papers and give them your credit card and they say “sign here.” The least they can do is smile and say thank you (and so should you!).

-When the nurse comes in to take your vitals and asks you what meds you are on, many of them are clueless when it comes to some of the most common medications. Shouldn’t a nurse be familiar with Zoloft?

-Being put on hold without being asked if it’s okay. It only takes a second! The other person could be distressed or in pain.

For Visitors:

-When visiting a loved one in the hospital, respect their privacy and the privacy of the other patients around them. Keep your noise level down, and don’t peek inside other rooms—it’s incredibly invasive. And if the person you are visiting is in with a nurse or having a procedure done, wait until they are ready to receive you.

-Make an effort with your dress. You don’t have to show up to the hospital in a suit and tie, but that doesn’t mean you can roll up in sloppy sweats or holey t-shirts.

-Show respect. From the nurses to the orderlies to the other visitors you pass in the hallways, people in hospitals are under a lot of stress. The least you can do is flash a smile as you walk by, hold the elevator for others, and in general show courtesy. You never know what the person is going through.

-If your loved one has had an extended stay in the hospital, it’s a nice gesture of gratitude to treat the hospital workers who helped him/her to flowers or, better yet, some nice baked goods. Sending gooey cupcakes to the hospital may not send the healthiest message, but you can always try low-fat blueberry muffins or a cheese and veggie platter if you prefer.

-Always ask the person you are visiting if you can bring them anything. Simple staples like bobby pins, hand lotion or magazines can be a comfort when you’re away from home.

-Check with the patient (and/or their doctor) to see when it’s most convenient for a visit. Observe hospital visiting hours, but also be aware that the person you are visiting may be undergoing a procedure (such as dialysis) during the day and may not be up to receiving visitors. Be considerate.

“Opportunity Meets Motivation”: A Sneak Peek

After contributing a chapter on technology etiquette to “Executive Image Power,” which came out this June, I had the pleasure of co-authoring a second book with three fellow Atlanta businesswomen. The working title is “Opportunity Meets Motivation: Lessons from Four Women who Built Passion into Their Careers and Lives” and is expected to debut in early 2010. This book is part biography, part how-to guide to give valuable insight into how to transform your career and start your own business without making the mistakes that we made. (Hey, what’s a journey without a few bumps in the road?)

I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to share my experiences with a wider audience, and truly believe that success is possible for anyone who has enough determination. Take me. After being laid off from my corporate job a few years ago, I turned lemons into lemonade and used my newfound freedom as an impetus to finally start the business I’d long dreamed of. And here I am!  

I’d love to share a short excerpt from the book, which covers a wide range of topics relevant to carving out a successful, professional business image. This excerpt comes from our style section:

“Style is not about beauty, age, size, wealth or even fashion. It’s about knowing and respecting yourself for who you are and having the confidence to discover and project a unique style in a consistent and confident manner. Sounds complicated, doesn’t it? It isn’t once you understand it. Style is how you express yourself, not only in the way you dress, but also how you talk, move your body, or do anything for that matter.  It’s often innate, but it can be learned. Think of people you admire or who are often in the news, e.g. Michelle Obama, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, and Gordon Brown.  Do you discern their sense of style? What does their style–or lack thereof–convey about them?”

Stay tuned for more excerpts and details!

Fashion First: Finding Your Personal Style

O Magazine has a spread in its October issue about Lauren Hutton. She’s 66 and feels it’s absurd to feel you have to go by the rules four times a year when new fashions come out. I agree. Not everyone looks great in everything. However, I always recommend that one avoid looking outdated. One way to do this is to stay in tune with new trends and incorporate something new two or three times a year, whether it’s a handbag in the “it” color or a slight reshaping of your hairstyle.

Lauren Hutton enjoys wearing pajama pants in public, boat shoes, slouchy trousers, men’s army hats and safari shirts. I have a feeling that she’s developed her own “slouchy and comfortable” style because she was obligated for decades to look perfect every time she went out the door. 

Although my goal when I work with individual clients is to find their personal style and their signature look, I will not recommend that they go to work in pajama pants—you have to draw the line somewhere! As much as every woman feels better having her personal style, she needs to make sure it is in harmony with who she is in life. She needs to consider her job and lifestyle (I don’t think a defense attorney would win a case in slouchy trousers and a safari shirt!).

However, I have always admired women throughout the times who have gone against the rules. Think of Katherine Hepburn, who stood out from the crowd in her menswear-inspired wardrobe. Marlene Dietrich was another one.

Coco Chanel, of course, refused to wear corsets or add stays to her clothing, mixed costume jewelry with real gems, and wore little black dresses when nobody else did. In doing so, she set the tone for all of us. Decades after her death, she is still influencing the way designers think and the way women dress.

I admire women who have their own style. That’s the fun part about getting dressed every day. Some people may think it’s superficial but if it makes you feel good, do it! 

And reading the Hutton article and having fashion on the brain, I decided to see The September Issue last night. The documentary is about Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour and the making of the September 2007 issue of Vogue. It was a fascinating film and I will never look at a fashion magazine, especially Vogue, in the same way.

As Vogue editor Andre Leon Talley says when he is ready to step on the tennis court, “Fashion is the whole life of being who I am. I have to get up and approach life with my own aesthetics about style.”

I wish more people took fashion more seriously. During the documentary, Anna Wintour states that her sister and two brothers are “amused” by her work.  Amused??? She is the most powerful and polarizing figure in fashion! 

So, tell me…have you discovered your own personal style yet? How would you describe your signature look?

Woman Fired Because of Bad Email Etiquette

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: email etiquette is hugely important!

Just ask New Zealand office worker Vicki Walker, who was fired from her accounting job for sending “shouty” emails, the Telegraph reports.

Walker apparently used all block capitals in her emails, along with phrases that were bolded or highlighted in red. Her co-workers called this behavior “provocative” and “confrontational,” and blamed her for spreading ill will in the office.

Fortunately for Walker, her company had no clearly stated email code of conduct, and a tribunal awarded her £7,000 as compensation for being unfairly dismissed.

Still, there’s a lesson in this for all of us. How we communicate via email speaks volumes about our professional image. Opting for all lower-case letters looks sloppy and overly informal; all caps is shouty. You may need to draw attention to important messages by bolding key phrases, but use this sparingly. And always, always, always check your spelling and avoid childish acronyms like LOL or emoticons.